Wednesday 6 January 2021
Today is the last day of Christmas and the feast of the Epiphany: In Western Christianity, the feast commemorates principally (but not solely) the visit of the Magi to the Christ Child, and thus Jesus' physical manifestation to the Gentiles.[2][3] It is sometimes called Three Kings' Day, and in some traditions celebrated as Little Christmas.[4] Moreover, the feast of the Epiphany, in some denominations, also initiates the liturgical season of Epiphanytide.[5][6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(holiday))
Yesterday was the last meeting of the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program (MMTCP) Peer Group. We shared our appreciation for each other, reflecting for the time spent together over the last two years. So, it seems fitting for me to begin with my own appreciation of how these mindfulness practices have served as a sort of epiphany or awakening for me.
Though I have always been quite resilient I also had become quite dissociated and disconnected, not feeling much compassion or empathy for myself or anyone. I have over a couple of years rediscovered a sense of connection to myself, as well as others and for that I am grateful.
Though there is still a lot of judgment I am a lot more accepting of us all, as I like to say, warts and all. There is still plenty of room in my heart for improvement. With that in mind, I decided this morning to embark on a ten-day course by Tara Brach, one of my mentors over the last few years, whose talks I’ve listened to, which inspired me to do the MMTCP with herself and Jack Kornfield, to become a Mindfulness Teacher.
The course title is Free Yourself From Blame & Resentment: Identify where you create separation and free yourself from anger and blame.
In Buddhism, forgiveness is the prerequisite to loving fully. One way of understanding forgiveness is never putting another out of our heart.
Removing the Barriers to Love:
The path to forgiveness begins with recognising the ways we create separation and aspiring to not push anyone, including ourselves, out of our heart. We begin by exploring the definitions of forgiveness and what keeps us holding so tightly to blame. The guided meditation at the end serves to help you identify where you are creating separation and to set your intention to free your heart.
There are two ways to increase the impact of this program: One is to keep a journal and write about what comes up for ourselves, including the effect on our relationships in daily life of the practices. The second is if you happen to have friends who might be interested in doing the program alongside you and sharing your experiences together can create a really supportive, healing container for what comes up.
It’s important to recognise that anger and blame are natural and universal reactions to feeling threatened or injured and each us has encountered injury. We’ve been wound and hurt in relationships, betrayed. We’ve also caused harm to ourselves, triggering self-blame and we’ve been threatened and hurt by our surrounding society, by it’s violence and injustice and it’s oppression towards non-dominant cultures. So it’s natural that we react with blame, that we get angry at what we see as the source of the threat, whether it’s a political leader or a parent or both.
Anger, like all emotions is intelligent and necessary. It lets us know when there is threat and mobilises us to protect ourselves. Much like with a physical wound we need a scab while the wound is raw. But what if we don’t release the scab and move on but continue to carry anger and blame even though it doesn’t serve our well being? Then we loss access, like an old scab that won’t let go, to the deep healing that comes from allowing our wounds to heal naturally by shedding some sunlight and moisture on them, rather than remaining in the dark and not releasing our tears.
An interesting question to ask is what compels us to hold on so tightly and for so long to blame?
We might believe in forgiveness but when it really comes to it, are we willing to practice?
It helps to know that our survival brain, evolved to fix on and remember painful or life threatening experiences and we come to anticipate more.
While this negativity bias of the old part of our brain serves a purpose it doesn’t know when or how to let go off the past when we are no longer in a state of threat or danger.
Instead we contract and carry around old injuries and resentment, anticipating more. This plays out in cycles of blame and unnecessary violence around the world.
This is the suffering of the armouring of blame. It separates us from each other and blocks our natural wisdom and love for each and desire to heal and feel
‘Your failure to know joy is a direct reflection of your inability to forgive’— Charlotte Joko Beck, an American Zen teacher and author.
The good news is our brain has also evolved to recognise the suffering of blame and to access the mindfulness and compassion that frees us. However, it takes time and practice to nurture this part of nature and cultivate forgiveness.
Something in us knows there is no freedom unless we forgive.
My stories of trying to forgive are many. An example of an old wound that’s still subtly healing, is of a friend of mine who chose to judge me and believe what my ex-partner and perhaps others had told him, without ever asking me what was my version of the stories being told about me. That betrayal of our friendship and judgment deeply hurt me. In time I was able to see that he did what did with the best of intentions and I didn’t judge his actions to help a suffering human being with post-traumatic stress disorder with addiction issues that I was not able to support in the same way. What angered and disappointed me was the judgment, which I told him. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are if we are honest and not self-righteous. We’ve all betrayed and let ourselves and others down. Because:
To err is human; to forgive, divine. - Alexander Pope
As we awaken we care more about connection than about being right, more about love than staying in a protected cocoon.
But there are many misunderstandings about forgiveness:
Forgiveness does not condone harmful behaviour, or allowing it to continue. We can forgive and create wise and good boundaries, choosing not to be around someone. Forgiveness is not forgetting and we can say never again: a necessary strong action in response to a harmful one. And yet it can be done with compassion not pushing others out of our hearts and holding on to hatred.
We often need the support of others when it comes to healing, especially if there’s trauma, which requires honestly contacting our wounds.
Forgiveness is a life process, often requiring many rounds for the forgiveness to delve deeper into our tissues and the issues within.
True forgiveness has its own organic process. We can’t will it but we can be willing. We may not be able to open or knock on that door of forgiveness and allow the spirit of forgiveness to enter but we can still have the intention.
If your intention is to free your heart, that automatically opens the door and the rest will unfold naturally.
GUIDED REFLECTION: SELF-FORGIVENESS SCAN
Even when we are not overtly at war with ourselves, we often move through the day judging ourselves for the ways we feel we are falling short. This practice brings our self-judgments into awareness so they can be seen and released. It’s an especially cleansing way to end the day. Try it when you are lying in bed before you go to sleep.
Take some moments to become still and to relax any obvious areas of tension. Then take a few long, slow breaths to help you arrive fully in your body.
Now ask yourself, “Is there anything between me and being at home with myself?” (Feel free to change the wording in any way that helps you identify the presence of self-blame.) Then pause and see what comes up in your body and mind. What stories of wrongdoing have you been telling yourself? Stories of letting others down, of performing poorly at work, of not meeting your standards as a parent, partner, friend, or human being.
If something arises, simply acknowledge it and offer it forgiveness. You might gently place your hand on your heart and whisper, “Forgiven,” or “It’s okay.” Recall your intention not to push yourself out of your own heart. Then inquire again: Is there anything else you’re holding against yourself? Continue in this way until you’ve identified whatever self-judgments you’ve been carrying. End the scan by offering yourself a prayer or blessing, a wish for your own peace of heart and mind.
—Reflection from True Refuge by Tara Brach
I like to wish, pray, or just say:
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I feel free
