Happiness is Harmony
Happiness is living in Harmony with the seasons.
Happiness is living in Harmony with Nature.
Autumn is a time for gathering after the activies of Spring and Summer and to reflect again on life and to ask is the joy in the journey and not in the invitable destination.
‘Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.’ - Mahatma Gandhi
Meditation at its core is the training, or the directing, or the focus of attention in a deliberateway. And in our human incarnation, it is the human capacity to open to perspectives larger than the ordinary consciousness or the small, separate sense of self.
There are traditional components of Mindfulness:
A receptive spacious, kind, non-judging awareness of the present.
An active appropriate response to the present situation.
‘It never hurts to see the good in another they often act the better because of it’ –
Nelson Mandela
In a way the purpose of community development and all the skillful means and practices is to move beyond the knowledge and skills and attitude to actually have a felt sense or knowing belief that we are already part of a community and that it is present and embodied in what we think and say and do in harmony with our felt sense of community. Community, as the word implies, is a communication with consciousness that is the awareness that everything in existence is connected somehow. So our communities of practice, our plans and strategies are not in the future, nor are they a destination they are more so a dissolving or awareness of the barriers we have created that separate us from ourselves and to see what is within ourselves and within our means to respond appropriately to the present situation.
So when we let go of all the striving and fear of not having or being enough just as we are that we create the kind of synergy between the ongoing conscious community practices and Skillful means we’ve cultivated to help community flourish that we undo the cultural conditioning that sees life only in terms of its market value we serve and so instead of becoming burnt out by the speed and busyness and discord of our society.
‘It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.’ – J. krishnamurti
The best-adjusted person in modern society-- this is the person who's not dead and not
alive, just numb, a zombie. If you're dead, you're not able to work for the society. But if
you're fully alive, you're constantly saying no to many of the unhealthy processes of society:
the racism, the polluted environment, the arms race, drinking unsafe water, eating
carcinogenic foods.
Thus, it is in the interest of modern society to promote those things that take the edge off,
that keep us busy with our fixes, that keep us slightly numbed out and zombie-like. In this
way, our entire modern consumer society itself functions as an addict. Take that in for a
moment. – Jack Kornfield
The market model promotes the globalisation of addiction in our society, and it is the focus of community, arts and well-being through mindfulness practices that we come into concord and recognise the beauty of life with ease rather disease and care for ourselves and the world we live in.
To Feel or Not To Feel
Allowing oneself to feel one’s feelings requires self-compassion.
Feelings and Emotions
I haven’t felt like writing much these last few weeks. It seems that it is not so important or meaningful to me at the moment. It’s not that I no longer find purpose in it but my purpose in writing is not so much about proving anything to anyone but really questioning is what I’m sharing going to be beneficial to myself and others or is it going to be more of the same.
I’m reading a couple of books at the moment, having recently finished Chasing the Srceam. I think a lot about The Globalisation of Addiction and how we have become so addicted, and it seems to me that the main reason we harm ourselves is because we’re already hurting in ways that it’s not so much the substance or behaviour but the belief that this feels or is better than the alternative. Which is being with ourselves in the society we live in. I don’t think it’s the world but our particular cultural environment where we feel alienated and want to escape to another realm or way of being rather than living in the reality we’re in.
I’ve noticed that when we’re finding it hard to cope within ourselves we seek some means to distract ourselves, be it through labour or leisure or we become curious about the emotions and our coping mechanisms. Some of us have chosen to spend time meditating on them and really trying to get to the heart of ourselves and why we feel what we feel and what is the origin of these emotions. Moreover, can we be with them rather than trying to avoid the unpleasant ones or cling to the emotions that make us feel content or at least equanimous rather than comfortably numb.
Equanimity is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equanimity)
I’d like to say I am equanimous most of the time but that is not true. I am quite emotional most of the time but practice trying to be with my emotions and feelings, be they pleasant or unpleasant, rather than trying to avoid them. Sometimes it feels necessary for me to give myself some time and space to process them, especially the unpleasant. I need to feel I have some emotional balance before I deal with something or someone that I feel negatively about.
The reason being I am more likely to overreact or shut down if I feel overwhelmed, which is a flight, fight, freeze or faun response.
This morning I read a passage from Mindfulness and Compassion, embracing life with loving kindness by Suryacitta, explaining why he and I do this:
A common question that arises from meditation practice is how to deal with difficult emotions, such as fear. But the practice of mindfulness meditation asks that we don’t do anything at all. If we are experiencing fear, then leave it be, just as it is.
We often avoid rather than allow ourselves to feel emotions, particularly the more subtle forms of emotions so that when the extreme form comes we don’t always understand where our reactions are coming from. But they’ve been coming and coming, sometimes building and building until something triggers us once too often and all the repression of previous feelings and avoidance of our emotions come gushing forth in a torrent of seemingly uncontrollable reactions.
Now, as Suryacitta says ‘[m]ost of us can talk about our fear and anxiety very eloquently. To experience them is another matter; but when we turn toward emotions and sensations… we are no longer their prisoner. Only through experiencing our fears [of emotions] can we stop being a victim to them.
I am afraid of feeling too much, be it fear or love, so the tendency has been to not express these emotions until I have some sort of handle on them. ‘We know that our small sense of self is going to be obliterated [when we allow ourselves to truly feel and this] can feel like death, and in a way it is – a small death of the little self.’
The tendency is to try to regulate and control our feelings rather than just allow ourselves to live and experience of experience or the existence of ourselves experiencing our lives or life as it is, rather than interpreting it.
Now what I’ve noticed in the last couple of years, particularly in intimate relationships is how when I would feel surges of emotions rather than the more subtle or mundane forms I would withdraw rather than approach these feelings. The fear was not fear of other’s emotions most of the time but what I would have to let go off in order to allow myself to fully empathise with these feelings without the self-regulating emotion of self-compassion.
https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2016/02/25/07/15/love-1221449_960_720.jpg
Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main elements – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion)
I know I have not allowed myself to feel as strongly as I used to in relation to life. It’s not that I don’t still feel strong emotions but I’ve matured I’ve emotionally mellowed and don’t suffer the same extreme reactions and while I welcome the wisdom of age I don’t want to be too laissez-faire about our existence. I think I need to sit in solitude for a time with my emotions, so as not to be overwhelmed or overcome by them but instead to be able to reach a reasonable understanding having given myself permission to walk or even run away when this feels too much and then to return to this place this point in time, when it feels safe enough to recall those feelings without judgement but with a curiosity about what happened there from where I am now. And is there anything to be gained from the recognition, allowing for and investigation of those feelings to nurture a healthier relationship with myself and others as I move on with my life.
I don’t think the memory necessarily fades completely when it’s powerful emotion but with time and distance it changes and expresses itself in other ways in other forms that are sometimes harsh reminders, sometimes subtle vibrations on our inter-connected web of emotions, which seem to be forever spinning new yarns in relation to ourselves and others.
Take time to pause and feel rather than think about our physical existence; its miraculous and yet natural existence, the subtle felt sense of oneself as part of the web.
Talking & Walking
Slowing down to see clearly is necessary for ourselves and others.
Walking & Talking
And most of all sharing silence in nature.
The sociologist Pierre Bourdieu maintained that our social condition becomes inscribed in our bodies. The italics come from Kagge’s Walking. Another way of saying the same thing as both of them in modern parlance and a form of challenge is:
You talk the talk but do you walk the walk? In other words, actions speak louder than words. Are we willing to stand out from the crowd or take a stand for what we believe in, for what we value in life?
As a child I could slow my heart down to a few beats
I could listen and feel it
I didn’t count how many per minute
I didn’t count the numerous ploughs in the sky
But there were many and not just one
Universe
Is that all gone?
With my imagination
There is no complication
As life speeds up
My time slows down
Tears about to form
Once again remembering
My innocence
Years not knowing
what life was
Just experiencing
Living through me
Nowadays, whenever life feels like it’s moving too quickly, or should I say my life, I pause and do and say nothing or at least try to and make no decision or take no decisive action. I watch opportunities pass me by, and wonder is it because I think too much or question why I feel I have to rush. Is this fear of missing out, or fear of being included and given the opportunity to make the kind of decisions that would influence the lives of others paralyses me into pausing? Or is the freeze rather than flight, fight or fawn response when something seems threatening to my non-committal decision?
It feels at times that the body and brain are out of sync and what I’m doing by not rushing in or giving in to the impulse of habitual reaction is part of the journey I’m on: slowing down and listening to my heart and seeing the ploughs in the stars again.
Self-Compassionate or Comfortably Numb
It is no measure of health to be a well-adjusted member of a sick society. —Krishnamurti
As I lay in self-healing meditation this morning, Jack Kornfield’s words guiding me, I felt or recognised why it is that I can feel what’s the point in trying. Deep down there is a core belief that no matter what I say or do I won’t be able to accept or change that it’s not my fault in some way.
There is that feeling of being damned if I do and damned if I don’t follow my own path in life. The only trouble is there are often so many it’s hard to know if the one I’m on is leading to or away from my heart.
The other night as Linn and I were walking home with the dogs I thought I saw my sister who had written and then texted me a few days before asking me to sort out her online payment for her mobile phone. She had fallen out with her partner yet again and he was no longer willing to do it for her. I tried but wasn’t able to and I wasn’t going to add yet another monthly direct debit charge to my bank account for her, as well as my mother and myself. I felt upset about being asked yet again to resolve the problems she gets herself in by not learning to take care of these things herself but leaving it to others. I feel compassion for her and my mother but I am tired of enabling their sense of helplessness and yet feel guilty.
Hardly a day goes by that my mother doesn’t call asking me to do some errand, which in general I’m willing to do but there are times when she gets confused or forgets what she wants and I end up going to the chemist three times in a week due to mix up with prescriptions. Then there’s bills to pay or envelopes to hand in to offices that are closed at the moment and all this is eating into the time I have to try and discipline myself to practice meditation, write, take care of my own affairs and relationships.
I end up spending a lot of time trying to maintain boundaries and yet be a responsible and compassionate citizen towards our global community and not just my intimate circle.
There is confusion about where my loyalties lie at times, which makes me seek silence and isolation from others when I find it hard to cope with the noise in my head.
This is where the practice of Mindfulness and writing comes in handy. Rather than have to avoid the persons whose own anxieties and uncertainties are being offloaded on me I can for a time silence all chatter, all thoughts or at least to some extent untangle them, instead of feeling overwhelmed or worried that my inaction is the cause of their suffering, whereas acting on behalf of them leads to my own suffering.
Come the evening time, after mindfulness classes or other meetings and dinner are over I desire something to motivate me to go on creating content that I believe is socially beneficial. So I often turn to stories of redemption:
According to Robert McKee the author of Story redemption revolves around a moral change within the protagonists from bad to good
Auto-ethnographical or autobiographical ‘stories often lack the very virtue they promise: self-knowledge. For while it’s true that the unexamined life is not worth living, it’s also the case that the unlived life isn’t worth examining.’(Mckee, 1997)
Despite my self-analysis and the detailed examination of my life I sometimes wonder if all I’m doing is adding to the complexity of my labyrinth rather than just cutting strings with past events that keeps reeling me back in to a story I keep hoping will end with my redemption and have a happy enough ending for everybody.
However, that may not be possible because we can’t go on covering over the inherent cracks in our socio-economic system hoping they won’t show up again in our life-time.
I think this is what we try to do rather than rebuild. we think it’s too hard or too late to change the past but we have to be willing to face our communal disease responsibly and with a courageous self-compassion that can admit we were ignorant and selfish and made some terrible mistakes but we can through the mercy of those we hurt change.
The thing I most needed to change was to trust in love again and yet it was the one thing I was most afraid to do. Having felt time and time again betrayed by love, by the people with whom I was intimate, when people whom I trusted as parents, partners, friends, had let me down in ways that led me to believe I wasn’t worthy of their love or didn’t know how to love, that there was something inherently flawed in me. I didn’t know what to believe or trust me because I started to believe their thoughts and stories that the fault lied in me. That I was the one who was crazy, weird, an oddity.
The words of Krishnamurti come to mind: ‘It is no measure of health to be a well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.’
What it means to live with a forgiving heart
Today I am finishing Tara’s ten day course in freeing myself from blame and resentment, which you find on insight timer
Tara asks at the end of this session:
What most helps you see the goodness in others?
Holding the intention to see it
Envisioning them when happy
Imagining them as children
Sensing their pure consciousness
Holding the intention to see it is my answer at the moment.
‘This final session explores what it means to live with a forgiving heart. When our hearts are awake and inclusive, the light and love of the universe shines through us. We are manifesting our full potential. A beautiful expression of this awakened consciousness is the capacity to see the sacred as it lives through all beings…In the goodness of others…and realising the space of loving awareness that is our shared source.’ —Tara Brach
If only we were to see our humanity and heart’s intentions and live them. I try but I find it hard to maintain this discipline of forgiving, especially when I wake up and the dog has peed or pooped inside again, despite that we take them out every morning, afternoon and night before we go to bed ourselves.
Buddy, our dog is my teacher in forgiveness.
Do you need to wait to feel you are confident enough and ready to the things you’re afraid or anxious about doing?
What stops us from going beyond our comfort zone?
Is it our social anxiety; trauma; both or something else?
I spend a great deal of time thinking and imagining and of course writing and contemplating or meditating about life but the one thing I’ve cut back on is being overly active and stepping back from trying to life for myself and others and just live it as I am in the moment without too much judgement about what I ought to be.
Anxiety and in particular social anxiety is seeing ourselves through a distorted mirror and believing that is a true image of who or what we are. That mirror for many is the media and perhaps nowadays social media more than any other media.
I don’t spend much time on social media, rarely read a newspaper, don’t have a television or follow the news, although I do subscribe to a number of websites and occasionally read their newsletters. However most of the time I check my emails in the afternoon and respond to the personal or urgent ones and let most of the other go by the way side.
I avoid the media ing general because I find it’s either too gossipy or negative and it doesn’t align with my values. I value knowledge that improves our self-worth and anyone who helps me overcome my own fears and anxieties about living with uncertainty.
Having freed myself from blame and resentment, with Tara I am now moving on to rising above social anxiety, having started another short course on insight timer with Ellen Hendriksen.
I began with a quote from Maya Angelou, as Ellen did because I know this for myself. I have often been overwhelmed by anxiety rather than the initial fear to face someone or something. Not because I’m uncertain of the outcome but because I anticipate that this is going to take a lot of energy and I’d rather spend it elsewhere. However this means that nothing changes unless I’m willing to actively face it and be the change. This takes courage and commitment in the face of one’s own anxiety and general apathy.
I’m not a social activist by choice but by necessity. I’m much happier creating in the company of a few intimate friends or people I have more in common with than being a voice and sharing the vision of myself and many others, as a socio-ecological responsible human being working in a community for community. In fact, I would say there are many people who are better suited to the activist role than I. However, it isn’t always those who are in the public gaze that serve the community or who understand and empathise with the people they represent. However, they are willing to step out from the chorus or crowd, share their thoughts and give voice to their inner vision, and perhaps learn in the process others thoughts, which is what I believe I am doing in a way.
I recently attended a meeting with other members of CRAOL from community radio stations all around Ireland and was pleasantly surprised by the level of participation, my own included. I spoke up about what I felt was needed if we are to be the voice that represents communities and community development in Ireland and elsewhere, not just for ourselves as a media platform but other sources of knowledge and entertainment, such as artists and arts organisations.
There is a lot we can learn from each other and a lot we can do together to lobby the powers that be and remind our politicians and community organisations that they represent community at large and not the vested interests of a few. Those that don’t listen to community radio may feel we don’t listen to them or represent them. So it is up to us to reach out to them and make them aware we need to hear their opinions and to involve them in decisions and most of all let them know that they play a role in the flourishing of our community and society as a whole: We’re in an interdependent relationship with an equal responsibility as members or participants of the state we’re co-creating.
Seeing Past the Enemy’s Mask
In the same way that we can open our heart’s in our personal relationships, we can be part of the awakening of hearts in our wider society. Let’s explore with Tara how we can learn to see past the mask of those we don’t know, those we might consider as ‘bad’ other.
When anger and blame become habituated creates suffering because we lock into the identity of a victim and the unreal others become our persecutors. There is no healing from this. Tara give an example from the ku in Matobo, Africa, depicted in a film entitled, The Interpreter
“Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge on someone, on God if they can’t find anyone else. But in Africa, in Matobo, the Ku believe that the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning ends with a ritual that we call the Drowning Man Trial. There’s an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat. He’s taken out on the water and he’s dropped. He’s bound so that he can’t swim. The family of the dead then has to make a choice. They can let him drown or they can swim out and save him. The Ku believe that if the family lets the killer drown, they’ll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn’t always just… that very act can take away their sorrow.”
https://cognitiveitching.wordpress.com/2014/02/02/philosophical-itch-the-drowning-man-trial-what-would-you-do/
Tara asks at the end of this session:
When I try to awaken compassion for a person who has caused harm in our world…
I still feel anger and aversion
I feel warmth if they’re vulnerable
I can see past the mask
Realise I’m not averse to the person.
Life isn’t always just and if we learn to accept the reality of the loss then we can heal our sorrow. The Ku put it this way: Vengeance is a lazy form of grief
The process of healing requires us to take full responsibility for our feelings and actions. Seeking retribution and blaming others is vengeance but what we need to do is bring compassion and awareness to the wounds inside ourselves. Only then have we the capacity to feel compassion for another’s pain and suffering and forgive them.
Thich Nhat Hahn says:
People are not the enemy, through meditation and self-reflection you look deeply inside and understand that the other is the victim of violence, injustice, and hate. When you begin to understand compassion is born in your heart and the anger is no longer there. Now it is possible to forgive and not before.
We are aware that violence begets violence and that what we need is reconciliation. What we need is restorative justice. What we need is to listen to one’s another experiences and hear each other’s story of suffering to bring a peaceful end to our lives and stories or the story of our lives.
Blame is an old evolutionary strategy for survival. It’s part of the limbic brain’s way of thinking and being in an unsafe and threatening world. We need with our more responsible, reasonable brain attend and befriend this enemy within so we can respond in all situations with the two wings of awareness, mindfulness and compassion another being in our hearts.
We’re challenging with a curious and in a non-violent communicative way our belief systems that create our sense of identity, which also fuels or separation from others whom we erroneously believe to be different.
Tara shares a story of a Palestinian and Israeli girls participating in a program called Building Bridges for Peace, coming together to share and then have the other retell the other’s story in the first person to feel what the other felt and so the other can listen and hear how our enemy has heard what it feels from the other’s perspective. One of the participants put it succinctly:
“If I don’t know you, it’s easy to hate you. If I look into your eyes I can’t.”
What if we can’t engage with our so-called enemy? We can still try to sense what is it like for them? What’s their fear and pain, their suffering?
To imagine and then feel what it’s like to be them and come to see ourselves in another being and all being in ourselves.
“Want of imagination makes things unreal enough to be destroyed. By imagination I mean knowledge and love. I mean compassion. People of power kill children, the old send the young to die, because they have no imagination. They have power. Can you have power and imagination at the same time? Can you kill people you don’t know and have compassion for them at the same time? ”
Evolution has given up the capacity with our mirror neurones to imagine what it’s like being another human being, our other self. But it takes patience and lots of practice for this to become a habit.
We can imagine that person, not as they seem to us now but as they and we were before the experiences of pain and sorrow entered our lives and hardened our hearts and froze our capacity to forgive and forget.
Hurt people, hurt people and I imagine to heal our hurts and heal we have to feel for ourselves first where does is hurt.
If our habitual reaction to hurt is to blame others for how we feel we are being responsible for how we feel. We need to pause in those moments and dig deeper to get to our coeur or core, our hearts.
This is easier said than done for me. As I reflect, my thoughts distract or deflect my attempts to get to the heart of myself. I can remember and imagine the difficult situations and find myself stopping short before entering that unknown space or blindly bursting through the space that separates us because I’m angry or afraid and also willing to face whatever is there.
I think of a time when my partner and I were sleeping in a tent in the backyard and we heard something outside. We were both a little scared but I unzipped the tent and jumped out only to find it was the cat hunting. Exposing my head first if it really was some creature as fearful as us it might have decided to attack first rather than flee. It was a relief that it was only the cat but there have been other situations where I was afraid for a long time to face what might be waiting and what might happen if I were to run head first into that so-called enemy, with an uncertain outcome once again.
When We Can’t Forgive
When We Can’t Forgive
There are times when we are unable to access the self-compassion needed for self-forgiveness. In this session, Tara explores how, if we get stuck in the conditioning of hatred or anger, we can reach out to a larger belonging and discover the loving presence that, at the moment, is difficult to access within.
We’re turning towards a place of refuge where we can rely on our innate wisdom or buddha nature, our spiritual or future self to reconnect with a more expansive sense of ourselves and who we are. It’s calling on something or someone to help reconnect us with a sense of wholeness. We can call on a mentor figure, dead or alive, whom we trust, and that motivates us to go on.
Which matches your idea of a Being that expresses love and understanding?
Buddha/Jesus/ Mohamed; a friend, teacher, parent, child; someone you don’t know personally; a formless presence
I thought of my parents and some of the painful and pleasant experiences I’ve had with them over the years we’ve known each other. These are ordinary people with their vices and virtues and while my father has died my mother is still alive and kicking. She has her way of being, as do I and we often disagree on how to be or live life.
Only yesterday I argued with her over the installation of a greenhouse on her property. She doesn’t want it and I don’t think it’s fair that my brother has the use of the land and I can’t have a small patch. She has no interest in gardening and doesn’t understand what it means to my partner, Linn, and I, to grow our own to be more in tune with nature. What she likes is everything to be neat and tidy and her family and property seem to me like an extension of herself.
I on the other hand am not too fussy about how things look, nor do I like other people telling me how they’d like me to look or how I should be. So, needless to say, we clash regularly.
Her way of being represents the microcosm or macrocosm where possession is nine-tenths of the law. Rebels, like me, who don’t agree with private ownership of the planet and the unequal distribution of resources, find it hard to accept these unnatural laws, especially when I feel they are destroying the planet.
And yet I can love and forgive what I see as my mother’s shortsightedness in this regard. I can’t change her opinion and don’t want to be in conflict but I do feel it’s worth arguing about and I will continue to do so. Of course, I could do more of what she’d like me to do and “in turn” get more from her as a form of reciprocity but that’s also manipulative behaviour and I wouldn’t be tidying the garage to suit myself but to keep her from harping on at me.
While I could take everything pertaining to me and hide it away, out of sight and out of mind, the material problems of our lives won’t go away until we’ve dealt with the real messiness in our lives.
Self-Forgiveness and Making Amends
For self-forgiveness to be complete, we need to offer our sincere prayer, care and sometimes, active help to those who have been injured. In this session Tara guides us in offering our heart’s care where there has been an injury, even if the person is no longer alive.
When it comes to self-forgiveness we’re sometimes afraid that we will condone and permit ourselves to behave in the same way again and again if we don’t punish ourselves or others for our so-called sins.
I am reminded of was the time I hit my father in frustration with his resistance to whatever I was doing to try and help him. I felt ashamed and afterward confessed to a friend who absolved me. Though I felt a sense of relief at being forgiven. I knew in my heart that power over others is weakness disguised as strength and I was still guilty of abusing the power I now had over my father. Now I was the bully, as I told him and he was as defiant as I was when it was the other way around.
When it happened again I didn’t feel like I had to confess again. I could forgive myself and was able to realise in time that my father’s lashing out at me and in turn my lashing out at him was due to the extremely stressful situation we were both in at that particular moment and what we said and did to hurt each other was a way of releasing that pent-up energy and emotions of fear and anger, resentment and hopeless frustration.
However, we were always able to make amends and apologise to each other in our own way. I was able to ask for his forgiveness and he would say forget about it or that there was nothing to forgive as he had already forgotten and had learned to let go and no longer held on to the painful memories where we unintentionally hurt each other. Instead, we were able to remember all the kind acts and gestures of love at the end of his life and I’m so grateful to remember the happier moment we spent together, as well as his wisdom when it came to living.
For a long time, I lacked the self-compassion to let go and carried the hurt and anger and deep down sadness of feeling I was not good enough in his eyes. Especially after an offhand remark, he made that Maya, my partner, at the time was too good for me. I had held on to this as a source of pain and suffering to determined to transform myself and become a worthy and successful person despite him and yet for him. Though the irony is, when I eventually confronted him, I could by his face he had no recollection of having spoken those words that cut me in two, as I described in this poem about:
My Parents
My parents always found some way
To save me from that rainy day
Some spent sipping pints of stout.
Cigarette stuck in my mouth.
I thought of them, no doubt,
When the money ran out.
Dad had to dig deep in his pocket,
Pulling a few pound from his pay packet:
The weekly wage that had a long way to go
But no matter what they had to pay
Seldom if ever did I hear them say no.
And what little thanks did I show?
Lent a hand at the weekend
Every now and then
Before I’d be gone again.
Now though I remember mostly sad things about him
Rubbing cream on his cracked skin;
The hard hands of a hard man,
Whose crude kind of love I couldn’t understand
Oppressive silences after we’d argued again
Eventually, though we’d both give in.
Although some things are not so easily forgiven
Now there’s nowhere for me to run or hide away
From what your slip of the tongue did that day
What a sad last impression you’ve made
Cut now in two
Like the worm beneath the blade of the spade
I wreath and wriggle away from you
For I cannot say what I’d like to
Part of me died that day Dad
And I’m sorry son was all you had to say
For all this sadness to have faded away.
The part that died was my ability to forgive and forget until I had physically got it off my chest. I had told Maya and written about it, as a way of trying to literally transform it but I couldn’t physically get it off my chest until I had confronted him. I could see by the look on his face that he realised how wrong it was to say such a thing to his own son and told him that he could when he asked ‘what do you want me to say,’ say you’re sorry, which he was, but couldn’t or wouldn’t admit to at that moment.
We can’t force someone to feel sorry or apologise. Nor are our attempts to resolve a conflict always going to be met with acceptance. Situations come to mind, right now, where my apology was rejected, though I can’t remember an incident when I turned down another’s attempt at reconciliation.
Ah, yes, an old friend’s offer to go for a coffee to whom I hadn’t spoken since he intervened in relation to an ex-partner of mine suffering from PTSD. Even though at the time I was grateful for his intervention, and knew his intentions were honourable I felt betrayed by his judgement and subsequent treatment of me due to his feelings. I was blissfully ignorant for a time that he was angry and ambiguous about our friendship and didn’t understand until he wrote some months later as to how I had offended him. His judgement of me without ever having heard my side of the story or what it had been like for me, living with someone with PTSD is what caused a rift in our friendship and led to the boundary.
When I bumped into him the day he suggested we go for a coffee, he was with a mutual acquaintance, and I invited them both to my apartment. However it didn’t happen that day and we’ve not had that coffee since. Although we’ve greeted each other on the rare occasion we’ve meet in town, we’ve not really spoken since that time and I doubt we’ll ever be intimate friends again. I feel I could never open-heartedly trust him again. However, I’ve forgiven him and send my prayers of Metta and forgiveness to both him and my ex-girlfriend. For the time being that is the way it is and maybe the way it will always be. What will be, will be but I can at least see him now without the same sense of betrayal of friendship or anxiety.
There is still a felt sense of some pain and suffering, which is perhaps why our invisible boundaries keep us apart but I have learned so much about love and friendship from these failed relationships. They motivated me to seek help in order to heal and better understand myself.
I’ve come a long way since then and I continue doing my rounds of forgiveness and letting go by mostly living as a better person to makes amends for self-ignorance. I didn’t know how to be more self-aware and take better care of myself in emotionally fraught situations in the past, that continue to represent themselves, giving me fresh opportunities to practice self-compassion and forgiveness.
I don't share to be confessional. Stories from my life and how I’m working with my own issues serve to demonstrate that we all, even mindfulness teachers, have our shadow or dark side to deal with. We all need to bring what we think is taboo to the table to shed some light on our true nature.
I heard of a podcast with a writer, interviewed about his style who said when you're telling a story, you can either set yourself up as the hero or you can set yourself up as a fool. He said, "And I always take the stance of the fool." I realised that while I’ve wanted to be the unassuming hero of my stories, most of the time, they are told from the standpoint of being the unconscious fool recognising my ignorance and being humble enough to share it, for the sake of others.
I find Truth to be personal and engaging. But again, there's a fine line between something being too raw and confessional and something leading toward nurturing our true nature. So while I try to be aware when sharing personal experiences from my life they may not be relatable or maybe even triggering to some people. So, it’s important to take care of yourself, while reading these thoughts and to remember these are just my thoughts and we are not our thoughts, and definitely not my thoughts.
If I'm reading a book on trauma, or lovingkindness, or listening to others giving a talk on whatever, something's going to really touch me around my own experience of these feelings. Whatever the topic, if it feels safe for you, really let those feelings be alive inside you. That’s how we learn to empathise with one another. I heard someone say there are only two types who celebrate when they go through a hard time: comedians and Dharma teachers but there are many more of us who go through the catharsis of these experiences with us, who haven’t chosen to creatively express or share it.
I received an email from Stephan Wolfert, with whom I recently participated in an online workshop. It was part of the two day International Social Justice Summit, organised by the Trauma Research Foundation (TRF), a community of researchers and clinicians who are committed to developing innovative methods for the treatment of people of all ages who have experienced trauma. The conference was hosted by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D., author of the New York Times best seller The Body Keeps the Score, and Licia Sky, C.M.O.H., who is a Boston based artist, singer-songwriter, and bodyworker who works with traumatised individuals and trains mental health professionals to use Embodied Self Experience in movement, theatre exercises, writing and voice as tools for attunement, healing and connection.
There's a lot of stigmas attached to entering even a virtual room, much less a performance space or any therapeutic program if you're not obliged to, which is why these programs are always voluntary. It’s better if we choose to participate of our own accord, and we do if we’re drawn to getting to the heart of what makes us tick.
Bessel says, in his book, that survivors of trauma are creative, they must be to survive. I have found that to be true in my own case, as well as in my intimate relationships. In fact, Stephan Wolfert who co-runs a program called DE-CRUIT; treating trauma through Shakespeare and science, says that everyone they have met within prisons, addiction centres, etc., are actually artists who have had the art beaten out of them.
I wrote to him after our session with a couple of questions:
I'd like to know how people feel after they've performed a part?
"Lighter" is the word that we hear the most. In fact, it has become the question that we use as a litmus test as to whether or not we need to do some box-breathing or not. If they feel "heavier," which is rare, we bring them (using theatre and therapy techniques) back into the room and back into this moment, via breath work and eye movement. However, this is made possible by hours of practice beforehand. The intent of the "performance" is to fully have memories/emotions, feel them fully, survive them, be supported by others and then recover from them (very often in a new way). Further, we ensure that everyone has people/resources to reach out to after the "performance".
Also, is it only people who consider themselves traumatised that do this training, as not everyone wants others to know they're suffering from PTSD?
Many, and in the early days nearly all, enter the room without having any acceptance or understanding that they may have endured trauma. If they served in combat, then, in some cases they are more likely to enter the room with some ideas about trauma. But since we know that the majority of this began in childhood, they end up going backwards and bumping into their own A.C.E. [Adverse Childhood Experiences] score. And, because of the group's acceptance of our trauma or attachment disorder, the individual is more willing and more able to accept their own.
I first heard this proverb listening to a talk on trauma with Peter Levine, another great teacher on this subject. We can’t change our past, nor can we change the truth of our experiences but as the old Jewish proverb says we can change the story and thus change how we feel or interpret it.
I think that the arts, can change how we feel about ‘the heartache and thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to’ Hamlet (Act 3 Scene 1):
According to Robert Popa, ‘heartbreak is the core of Hamlet’s character, that it is “the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to” that defines him, not madness. From the actor’s perspective, it is imperative to gain an in-depth understanding of the thoughts within the character’s mind, as well as all the feelings within the character’s heart, for a truthful performance.
Scholarship suggests that Hamlet is either on a path toward madness, given the visitations of his father’s Ghost, or that he is an intellectual, perfectly sane, and only feigning madness on the path toward avenging his father’s murder…
Hamlet’s multiple heartaches, in conjunction with his compounded stress, may have induced a psychotic break. More specifically, an acute psychosis, that peaks in intensity and transparency in the Closet Scene. The psychosis is triggered when he confronts and berates his mother. This type of mental illness, or “madness,” would be the most suitable and realistic in portraying the character…
[T]o play the role of Hamlet [one] should focus on the emotions within the character’s heart, truly understand the world surrounding our protagonist, contextualize his text, and then decide the fate of his mental health. If the heartbreak is extreme enough, it most definitely affects the mind.’(http://nrs.harvard.edu/urn-3:HUL.InstRepos:42004175)
While I agree with the author, that Hamlet’s heart is broken, his behaviour seems symptomatic of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to me.
Shakespeare has become a mentor and friend and I’ve really felt an intimate affinity with him, since studying Much Ado About Nothing with Madame Jones-Davies as part of mes etudes de Langues, Literature et Civilizations a la Sorbonne. I felt his sensitivity as a human being and storyteller through his comedies and tragedies and know in my heart that in many ways these stories are not just his literary legacy but his autobiography, his story. And just as find myself in his characters and tales, I also imagine there are many writers who see all aspects of themselves and humankind for that is what he was capturing in everyday life by absorbing the thousand shocks that flesh is heir to.
I imagine we all have our ways of coping with the joys and sorrows of our lives. The joy and the ecstasy, the traumas and the tragedies that befall us all. But not many of us desire to delve deep enough to get the core or heart of our joy and suffering. That is what writers, dharma teachers, and many other creative artists and facilitators, such as I, do on a daily basis, whether or not we get laid or paid, for doing so.
Coming out of the proverbial closet about one’s depression, addiction, trauma, or Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) or whatever we happen to have experienced has become a career for some if not many of the professionals performing in the dramatic, post-dramatic, and traumatic, and post-traumatic fields. By transforming our experiences and ourselves in the research and development of our auto-ethnographic studies, to become the everyday experts of our own lives, I feel is an admirable pursuit if we can with our hand on our hearts, truly get to the heart of ourselves. I’m uncertain as to whether I am courageous enough to truly unmask and face myself but that at least is my intention, as a human being.
However, as a writer, author, performance artist, mindfulness teacher or creative facilitator, or any other definition I publicly call and identify myself with, I have the much more onerous task and responsibility of creating a story that will do no harm.
That is the Hippocratic oath all healers of our humanity take. And who or what is more powerful than the storytellers and their stories that transform our ailing societies and civilisation.
Self-Forgiveness
The RAIN of Self-Forgiveness (Adapted from True Refuge (2013) by Tara Brach. )
The acronym RAIN, which considering we have plenty of in Ireland, should be an easy way for us to remember the practice of mindfulness and self-compassion:
Recognize what is going on;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
Recognizing means simply acknowledging our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, especially when we are suffering from a limited sense of self-belief about our own good nature. When we are criticising or blaming ourselves for how we’ve behaved, or feeling ashamed and afraid or anxious about the consequences.
Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations we have recognized simply be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything. When we’re caught in self-judgment, letting it be there doesn’t mean we agree with the belief that we’re to blame or unworthy. Rather, we honestly acknowledge the arising of judgment, as well as the painful reality of our feelings.
Once we have recognised and allowed what is, we can investigate, or call on our natural curiosity to know ourselves in the present: How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing about myself? Do I or can I feel a felt sense of what I truly need right now?
Whatever the inquiry, your investigation will be most transformational if you step away from conceptualising and bring your primary attention to the felt-sense in the body.
When investigating, it is essential to approach your experience in a non-judgmental and kind way. This attitude of care helps create a sufficient sense of safety, making it possible to honestly connect with our hurts, fears, and shame.
Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that we recognize we are suffering. It comes into fullness as we intentionally nurture our inner life with self-care. To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened, or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need. Does it need a message of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Of companionship? Of love? Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you; I’m sorry, and I love you; I love you, and I’m listening; It’s not your fault; Trust in your innate good nature.
In addition to a whispered message of care, many people find it healing to gently place a hand or hands on the heart or cheek; or other parts of the body. Also by envisioning being bathed in or embraced by warm, radiant light. And if it feels difficult to offer yourself, love, bring to mind a loving being - spiritual figure, family member, friend, or pet - and imagine that being’s love and wisdom flowing into you.
When the intention to awaken self-compassion is sincere, the smallest gesture of turning towards love, of offering love - even if initially it feels awkward - will nourish your heart.
When you’ve completed the active steps of RAIN, it’s important to just notice your own presence and rest in that wakeful, tender space of awareness. The fruit of RAIN is realizing that you are no longer imprisoned in the trance of unworthiness, or in any limiting sense of self…Give yourself the gift of becoming familiar with the truth and natural freedom of your being; it is mysterious and precious!
RAIN is an ongoing practice for life—a way of transforming doubts and fears with a healing presence. Each time we are willing to slow down and recognize, our thoughts and feelings whatever they may be we are de-conditioning our old habits and limiting self-beliefs. Gradually, whatever story we’ve been telling ourselves about not being good enough or happy enough as we fade away, and we recognise and accept our experiential selves as we are.
You can take your time and explore RAIN one step at a time or move through the steps whenever challenging feelings arise. It’s a practice that awakens self-compassion, opens our hearts to allow everything in without exception.
A Meditation—The RAIN of Self-Compassion:
Sitting in a comfortable way, so you're alert and upright and also at ease. Begin by bringing to mind a difficulty that we've encountered— some situation or some circumstance that brings up emotional reactivity, whether it be fear or anger or hurt; some experience you'd like to bring this practice of mindfulness and compassion — the RAIN practice— to. It could be a situation in a relationship, some conflict, place of misunderstanding and reactivity. It could be something that goes on in your own behavior, some addictive kind of tendency. It could be something that comes up around work that brings up a feeling of failure or jealousy—anxiety.
You might sense the common denominator being that a difficulty that brings up in some way some self-aversion where you're down on yourself. Take some moments to sense that difficulty in a recent situation that it might have been where you might have been triggered.
Let yourself enter enough into that situation so you can sense what's going on and what's really activating you, what's bothering you. The beginning of RAIN is to recognize what's happening.
Some way to recognize, "OK, I'm stuck," to recognize whatever is predominant in your experience, whatever emotions or feelings you're most aware of. And hand in hand with that recognition is the "A" of rain, or the allowing-- to just let the experience be as it is. So the allowing is a quality of pausing and just making space for things instead of trying to fix it or get away from it. Simply acknowledging and giving some space for what's here. Notice what that's like—just agreeing to experience something for these moments.
You might sense in your own experience now as you have reentered an experience that had been triggering for you if there's any difference in how you're relating with it—investigating, bringing some nurturing, some compassion. Sense where you are right now. And if there's anything that feels like it's calling you about the experience inside you, if you feel any call to deepen your attention or to offer some kindness right in this moment, you might sense what that's like. What happens if you just make some gesture of kindness, of understanding, of compassion inwardly?
Just to notice the presence that's here—the difference between being totally stuck inside an experience and that openness and presence and care that really expresses the truth of who you are:
"Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter. If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life." —Wu Men
The practice ends with this question: What most resonates with you as a gift of self-forgiveness?
I’ll leave you to answer that for yourself.
Monday 18 January 2021: Martin Luther King Day
Today is the last meeting of our mentor group and I also received the last of modules; a session on Spiritual Maturity.
This is the journal prompt that goes with it:
Reflect on one or more people who really embody spiritual maturity for you and inspire you. How do you see these qualities emerging in yourself?
There were a few things in this last talk that struck a chord with me and what I have been writing about recently, particularly in terms of how I am learning to let go of my stories:
In the last video lesson of this two year teacher training in Mindfulness, Jack and Tara offer multiple stories that exemplify what it means to trust the power of the heart and awareness to awaken through all circumstances.
By the end of this session, [I am supposed to] be able to apply the analogy of consciousness manifesting as a crystal, helping [me] to recognize the multi-faceted realisations that can emerge through the awakening process and apply the skills of curiosity and loving awareness to support others in their mindful awareness practice.
No pressure!
“‘From the deepest place of awakening, consciousness itself, which is what we are and which creates life in the universe, manifests like a crystal. That is to say, in its purest state, consciousness is luminous and open and fertile and has all possibilities. When you shine light through a crystal, you get all the different wavelengths or colors of the rainbow, of red, green, violet, blue, and so forth. Consciousness has all these flavors when we turn toward awareness or consciousness itself.’ — Jack kornfield”
The idea is not to perfect yourself, but to perfect your love. To take this world as it is… to reach out and touch and mend the things that we can, but underneath it has to come from love and from a deep kind of trust. — Jack Kornfield
We have all these romantic and idealistic stories, even naturalistic ones of how life is supposed to be and it isn’t always as we’ve imagined and so be it.
Tara talks about weaving themes of spiritual maturity throughout the whole course of these stories and teaching we remember and forget again until we start just trusting in our readiness to let go of all our stories and just go with the flow.
Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash
‘[W]hen we're not living inside the story, then that heart that's ready for everything is available. And then it's possible to then describe it a child of wonder. We get to take in the wonder and the beauty that's there. ‘ — Tara Brach
An extract from a poem about letting go of our stories and our beliefs that speaks to this from Rumi is:
“There’s nothing to believe.
Only when I quit believing in myself
did I come into this beauty…
Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.
Now in this ocean of pearling currents,
I’ve lost track of which was mine.
- Rumi”
I thought about this in relation to my own stories around the theme of the breakdown of communication because I was afraid of losing the ones I loved by sharing my true feelings. It’s only now that I’m beginning to feel ready to let go of my past and trust in my ability to love and be loved again, that I can with mouth and eyes wide open speak from the heart . They say home is where the heart is but to remove the blinds to see through windows, even through doors I’d removed or left closed because I was afraid for a time of what find within. Reminded of the time I didn’t knock in case I would be disturbing the fatal lover within who was not making love but dying. He was in love but there was no one at home, for home is wherever the heart is and both of them were desperately searching for love only in the all the wrong faces and places.
I know that I’ve been holding on to my stories and perhaps over-identifying with the characteristics of someone with PTSD as a way of coping and also avoiding facing what comes after.
For our final Mentor Group session we took some time to reflect on our vision and aspiration for bringing teachings into the world. What did we sense is possible for us? What did we feel would most support us (for instance further practice, training, community, lifestyle changes, etc.)?
This may not be something we’ve thought about or find easy to express in community but one only has to share what one wants to share. I felt:
a need to risk opening my heart even more
a need to dig in the dirt
a need to reach out to more friends
a need to let go of my stories
a need to trust in myself and relationships
Our mentor, Rae, steered us away from justifying our needs, storytelling or wishing but to look within ourselves and ask that simple question: What do I need now?
We had about two minutes each to answer that question and thirty seconds in between to reflect before asking the next person to answer that question with the group listening.
I found the two minutes flew and I could have gone on longer, although it was probably enough. I found what Laura and Melainya said about taking more time for themselves to just be and to not feel, as mindfulness teachers or therapists, we have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders is important.
While I am not a therapist I’ve often felt that I have to resolve other people’s problems and in particular those close to me. Were I a therapist I have no idea how I’d feel with people sharing and I imagine offloading their problems and perhaps looking to me to resolve or even absolve them.
When we reflected on our aspirations for bringing the teachings into the world and how would we continue on the dharma path I mentioned the trauma and social change conference I had attended and the serendipitous connection I had made with Stephan Wolfert from DECRUIT: treating trauma through Shakespeare and science.(https://www.decruit.org/)
AREA is an active network for artists and other professionals from all disciplines working in rural and thinly populated areas. We share experiences, practical and artistic knowledge, we research the methods and we support advocacy for arts in rural areas.
I also mentioned AREA, and my own writing, so I’m hoping to combine my interests in Arts practices as a way of mindful healing through storytelling on the radio, a virtual stage in these times.
There’s lots I could do alone, without ever moving outside my comfort zone or virtual bubble but what I really want to be able to do is to create and collaborate with others. This very much ties in with a book I started reading last night: The Fourfold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary:
When we are not present and empowered we are often caught in the shadow side of the Warrior archetype. We are not a leader but in rebellion against the system.
However, rebels need to respect the limits of others and take responsibilities only for their own actions or inaction, rather than criticise others.
“‘The rebel is over-identified with being independent and self-sufficient. Behind every rebel is a need for space. The underlying fear for the rebel is the fear of being limited, restricted, or restrained. The rebel who used leadership skills for personal gains faces diminished skill in being a team player, and eventually loses the respect of others. Taken to the extreme, the rebel becomes the narcissist and abandons effective leadership.’ ”
The rebel has authority issues and yet is often unwilling to claim personal responsibility, but prefers instead to be the victim and blame or judge others with resentment. However, we cease to be a rebel victim when we claim our own authority and begin to value collaboration with other effective leaders. Patterns of Invisibility: Low self-esteem and the inability to see oneself as talented and worthy means we often hide or try to lead from behind, which often leads to feeling a lack of recognition and fear to fulfill our own creative expression. What really struck a chord with me is that: ‘Underneath all patterns of invisibility is the fear of exposure and accountability.’
To come out of the shadow we need courage:
‘It is the Warrior’s way to embrace strengths and weaknesses. With all parts of ourselves embraced, illusions are more easily collapsed. This enables us to participate in life more fully.’This is why I need to let go of my traumatic past and embrace my present happiness and future. Angeles Arrien the author of The Fourfold Way, desires to show the bridge between cultural anthropology, psychology, and comparative religions and reveal how indigenous wisdoms are relevant to our relationship with ourselves, one another and the Earth.While reading and writing I recalled a recent talk I listened to as part of the Embodiment Conference between two native American Indians, on Indigenous Elder Knowledge and Wisdom for Modern Times, whose advice is summed up with these few words to introduce them:
“As the whirlwind intensifies - stay in your heart center. We have reversed the laws for living. Mother Earth is here to stay. She doesn’t need us to save her. She has lived for billions of years and she’ll live for billions more. The question is whether or not we humans will too. We have forgotten our niche in nature. We need to recall. We have been in our minds too long. We need to get back home, to our hearts. ”
It was one of the talks that moved me, alongside Alister McIntosh, one of the world’s leading environmental campaigners, best known for his work on land reform, climate change and spirituality.(http://www.alastairmcintosh.com/ )
His talk was on Embodying Community: Climate change, consciousness and cultural trauma and is worth watching if you want an insight into what’s currently happening in the United States, and their former president, who hasn’t given up the ghost of his past. ((https://portal.theembodimentconference.org/sessions/embodying-community-climate-change,-consciousness-and-cultural-trauma-j0b4c4))
I chose to read The Fourfold Way on the recommendation of Linn, my beloved heart’s partner, whose interests in self-development and living in harmony with nature are similar to my own, which is why we were drawn to each other “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. ”— Paulo Coelho.
I’ve spent a great deal of time in my mind, thinking and not as much in my body living, loving and doing more of the things I enjoy doing, like dancing and singing and walking and digging in the dirt. These are some of my intentions for the new year that’s in it and only yesterday we were gifted the use of some land to get our hands in the earth and plant some seeds in the spring. It’s not all about the planting or the harvesting for that matter. It’s also about looking after the land and not letting it go to waste. There’s not much point in preparing to plant either, if we don’t plant the seeds try to nurture them or else all the effort of learning to live in harmony with nature will come to nothing and when harvest times instead of gathering the fruits of our labour we discover a wasteland.
I can write and imagine, dream and envision but if I don’t fulfil my own needs and honour my good intentions who else will?
Of course I can’t be certain of what will be the impact of my actions but I can assume responsibility for my strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures and that is what I’m now doing by exposing my thoughts and plan of action.
I’m not hiding away or secretly competing. I’m sharing my thoughts and the wisdom of others and willing to collaborate and learn from anyone who is willing to share their own heart’s wisdom. I may be sensitive and at the same time insensitive to the needs of others but I’m willing to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, take criticism but I won’t take it lying down and I won’t stop being true to myself because it doesn’t suit some of you. Life, my life is for living and for giving. The question is:
Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have to be whole.
Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true Self.
—Danna Faulds
Sunday 17 January 2021: Making Amends
“The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.”— Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey”
This quote that Tara Brach uses in session in some ways encapsulates our fears about self-forgiveness and making amends.
The truth is the suffering we’ve caused others or that others have caused us to suffer leaves, as I said in the poem; my parents, a deep and lasting sad impression. We may be able to ignore the heartbreak and seemingly recover but it’s like a fissure or fault beneath the surface that affects us in profound ways. There is often an unconscious longing or desire to unearth and repair the damage, to forgive and be forgiven when we’ve caused harm.
The impression of harm is felt and expressed in many ways: deep-seated shame, or guilt or remorse. We may fight or take flight or numb ourselves rather than face the sorrow for not having been the loving parent or child we wished we could have been in another’s eyes.
I remember my mother blaming herself as much as telling us about my oldest sister saying to her; I never remember you looking at me with love the way you did at Helen, her youngest daughter. We are how we love, not who loves us.
How we express our heart’s sensitivity requires great courage and vulnerability. It leads to self-empowerment and self-responsibility on the path towards self-realisation and that freedom to be able to do what we want without fear of hurting ourselves or others because we are being true to ourselves.
At the end of session seven, Tara asks the question:
How do you relate to the principle of 100% responsible for your own experience?
A pathway toward empowerment
It overlooks the influence of others
I can’t contact the reactivity inside
Reminder to be gentle with hurt
In contrast to the habit of blaming ourselves and others for our behaviour, feeling a healthy sense of shame for our actions, (maybe even the actions of others) is not a bad but a good thing to feel, because it lets us know we’ve strayed from our own path.
Similarly guilt lets us know when our actions are not aligned with our values and we can try to make amends if possible.
However, true self-forgiveness cannot be complete unless we’ve included in our practices asking forgiveness from those we’ve hurt. This is something we need to feel for ourselves as a natural act of compassion for others as a result of our self-compassion. Empathy arises for the harm that’s been done by us to us, as our consciousness expands.
The urge or impulse to reconcile comes when we’ve recognised the reality of our impact on the lives of others; whether or not our intention was to harm or perhaps being cruel to be kind. It’s when we’ve learned to face ourselves and our hearts burst open like a dam that we yearn to relieve the suffering of not just ourselves but others. Then we are able to respond with courage and wisdom, with a wise heart, a brave heart, to the pain and suffering we’ve come to witness in the world.
So how do we make amends?
We recognise and acknowledge the hurt we’ve caused to others. And if we are no longer able to speak to them we can still offer our prayers, our remorse, and our wishes for forgiveness for the impact we’ve had on their lives.
As we intentionally practice this, we learn to face ourselves and the grip of self-aversion begins to loosen and we feel more wholesome and at peace with everyone.
The inner-reconciliation and outer reconciliation with others for what we have done and failed to do.
Some offering or small gesture can make all the difference and act as a catalyst within ourselves for giving to others.
Our gesture of forgiveness can be rejected by others but it is their hearts not ours that has still not melted. We have been courageous enough to face the fear of rejection of our act of forgiveness and desire for reconciliation.
It takes courage and wisdom to know whether such a gesture will serve to break the resistance and release the tension within ourselves and someone else.
We need to know whether our sincere intention for self-forgiveness can let go of all expectations of the forgiveness of another. Our apology for the harm we’ve caused may be met with anger and scorn but we can trust in the felt sense and knowledge that we’re bringing more healing energy into the world and that it’s bound to ripple out.
Another dilemma for ourselves may be whether we feel we need to feel that self-forgiveness before we practice forgiving others.
I find forgiving others is an ongoing process that comes with releasing any blame, resentment or judgment with self-forgiveness and self-compassion and awareness that it usually takes two to tango: for every action their is a reaction and while I may not feel responsible for another’s actions towards me I am responsible as to how I choose to respond in kind. I can continue or perpetuate their, as well as my own, suffering by holding on to grudges or I can forgive and forget in time. What continues to be of significant consequence in the present is only because I’m recalling it every time I see them or reminding myself to remember it in the present, because a part of me continues to see them as a threat to my sense of self. Even though I know our history is past and gone and it’s my foolish story of self that carries it on.
Is there way to end our story of uncertain consequence?
Asking for forgiveness comes first but go with your gut and what works for you. Whatever way you can in the present let go of hurt and heal yourselves and others works.
We’re learning to accept and trust ourselves and others to be as we are without judgement.
Sense your intention to free your heart and to free others through the practice of asking for forgiveness.
Take some time to breath and feel your heart before bringing to mind a situation where you may have caused some harm to another and would like to privately or publicly reconcile with them.
Let yourself become aware of how you’ve caused harm and sense the reality of that.
As you have a felt sense of this in your body whisper the person’s name and say:
I see and feel the hurt I’ve caused you and I ask your forgiveness. Please forgive me.
Feeling your own sincerity, ask for forgiveness as often as necessary until you have a felt sense of their own well-being in your well-being, remembering that we are all somehow connected with the same vitality coming from the same source of life.
Ask yourself is there a way you could contribute to this healing meditation with some gesture or action? Imagine if you can some way to make amends, aligned with this courageous heart, with no expectation of reciprocation, just knowing that your heartbeat is pulsating out into the universe bring healing.
We end this meditative reflective by noticing now is there any self-judgment and forgiving ourselves with self-compassion knowing our sincere intention is to grow in loving kindness and courage to mercifully forgive all unhappy beings whose hearts have been broken, including our own. For who wants to feel:
Cut now in two
Like the worm beneath the blade of the spade
I wreath and wriggle away from you
For I cannot say what I’d like to
Part of me died that day Dad
And I’m sorry son was all you’d have to say
For all this sadness to fade away.
Realising it’s not my fault
It’s not your fault
Monday 11 January 2021
A multiple-choice answer to a question Tara gives us to ponder about in session three of her course on the theme of forgiveness is: when I try to see how suffering has driven harmful behaviours, I feel…
I’m making excuses
Afraid I’ll continue being harmful
Unable to see the suffering
Connected with self-compassion
Realising it’s not my fault:
This morning, after a rather enjoyable and educative weekend I am returning to the practice of forgiveness by freeing myself from blame and resentment.
Consider where you find it hard to forgive yourself for something you said or done in the past, or maybe something that’s ongoing?
What comes to my mind is every time I react in anger or frustration at my mother when it feels like she is comparing me to others and criticising me.
The next question is what stops me from forgiving myself? What stops me from letting go of blame? What might happen if I forgave myself?
Reflect on these questions and see if you can sense for yourself that there might be a fear that forgiving yourself is condoning your behaviour: Hurting my father, came to mind.
Or that by forgiving and condoning your behaviour you’ll continue to repeat it and never stop or improve or get better.
Or maybe if you forgive yourself others won’t forgive you and you’ll be rejected by them. Or maybe you feel you don’t deserve forgiveness for the premature death of loved ones because of one simple act of carelessness. A film that depicts this well is Manchester by the Sea.
When we continue to blame and are unable or unwilling to forgive ourselves, it gives us an illusory sense of control.
Could I have saved Alberto’s life, prevented his overdosing if I had knocked on my flatmate’s door that night? Could I have prevented my brother from almost burning to death, if I had gone with him down to the shed that day? Could I have kept my relationship with Maya alive, had I been there to open the door for her that day; or helped another ex-partner or my sister to me move beyond their trauma and destructive habits of self-soothing? Could I have done and still do more to open or remove the doors separating myself from them and countless other relationships I’m not even conscious of playing a role in deconstructing?
I think of another old flame, opening the door and scurrying like a gerbil into my bed when we became lovers instead of remaining just good friends one Christmas. Two years later I rejected what I considered an indirect invitation to enter her bedroom when she left her door slightly open. Having shut me out too often in the interim I got used to sleeping alone again and soothing myself, rather than when it suited her.
Or perhaps anticipating rejection again and not wanting to feel that feeling I preferred to avoid and control who and how I loved and satisfied my sexual desires.
When we’re blaming or not forgiving ourselves or others for how we’re behaving it gives us a sense of illusory control that at least we’re doing something to counter control the situation or person that’s hurting us.
The Buddha explains this in terms of two arrows:
The first arrow that hits us is an unpleasant experience of ourselves: some aggressive, irrational, or fearful behaviour.
The second arrow is when we try to control that perceived bad or unpleasant experience by punishing ourselves, shooting ourselves with the second arrow of judgment: I’m to blame for experiencing this. This is the self-imprisonment of our survival brain: it turns against itself when we perceive ourselves as a threat. But does this help to heal the parts of ourselves that are hurting? Does hating or condemning parts of ourselves; our angry self, our anxious-avoidant or overly submissive oppressed self, make us feel better or worse? Self-hatred or blame for what we’ve said or done reinforces our lack of self-esteem and self-worthiness of love. It lays the foundation for more of the same behaviour, clinging to our past and erroneous beliefs of right and wrong.
So how do we evolve beyond this habit of self-blame?
We use the wing of mindfulness to investigate.
Tara gives an example of a dog we approach in friendship responds with aggressiveness because its leg is in a trap. All we feel at first is its aggression because we don’t see the bind it’s in that’s causing it to snarl at us.
I think of a recent event where a man and not his dog snarled at me. I had taken our dogs for their morning walk passing by a grassy area where we, like many others, bring their dogs, to do their business rather than having to pick it up on the footpath and bin it in a rubbish, not a compost bin. Out of nowhere, I hear, ‘Excuse me, pick up your dog’s shit’ I turned to be confronted by this demanding, angry man and I immediately became defensive. ‘I don’t pick it up when they do it on the grass,’ I told him. We argued back and forth with his threatening to report me to the guards and dog warden, and verbally abusing me. I told him to go get psychiatric help and to watch his language. ’What are you going to do about it?’ Nothing, I said, just watch your language, which only served to provoke him. He kept on being abusive and went over to a woman waiting with her kids to be picked up by a bus for school, telling her about that bollocks who wouldn’t pick up his dog’s shit. I gestured to the woman that he was crazy. I followed on after him telling him if he had something to say, say it to me. He took the chain of his dog and acted as if he was going to hit me with it. I told him to go ahead and when he got too close to me I put out my hand and stopped him from coming any closer. That firm hand on his chest surprised him and he backed away, trying to make out it was me who was attacking rather than defending myself. Retrieving his dog, which concerned me more with our two straining to attack rather than wait to be bitten, he moved on warning me to stay out of his way.
I turned and walked back rather than walking in the same direction as him. For a few days after that incident, I was wary of meeting him again and I did of course bump into him. He was still behaving aggressively and probably also as anxious as I to avoid me but not willing to back down. On that occasion, my partner who was holding our dogs moved off the footpath to let him pass with his hooded head down for although had seen us he wasn’t going to give way. On the few occasions, I’ve seen him since there have been no words spoken but he was a little shook the last time I bumped into him.
While I have forgiven myself for reacting in kind and ready to defend myself or my partner if necessary, I can see how his leg has been in a trap for many years with only a dog for company. Because of his way of being he states and follows the rules to the letter with no legroom. As a result, no community organisation wants even his voluntary participation, which makes it difficult to integrate into any community. Although I feel a level of compassion for him, however, I now keep a safe distance from him no longer saluting him as I used to in the past. The boundary is to avoid any further confrontation but it also means there is less chance of reconciliation. These are often difficult situations to let go of and move on from, especially when it’s an intimate friend and not someone I’ve only occasionally spoken to. However, knowing in my heart that I’ve forgiven myself and forgiven him I can with all compassion wish him well. I’m not going to try and rescue him from the bind he’s in, but I can feel compassion and empathise with him for I too have lost my temper and held on to blame and resentment to the detriment of relationships with once intimate friends.
It can be hard to forgive those whom we think should know better and let go of the hurt and betrayal of friendship. However, there can always be the desire or intention and that willingness to forgive ourselves and let go of our self-blame and resentment, which at least remove the barriers that separate us from ourselves.
When we’re at peace with ourselves we’re less likely to behave in ways that are harmful. The behaviours we condemn are a product of past conditioning and so the capacity to see that our leg is in a trap is essential if we want to forgive ourselves and be free.
Most importantly it’s through a felt sense of what’s going on: often our reactions are due to some earlier wounding, where we felt belittled or disrespected or unloved and didn’t get our needs met that we need to now heal for ourselves. That’s often why the felt sense of hurt, fear, anger, and later shame at our uncontrollable outbursts which we are replaying in the present is a great opportunity to change our conditioned pattern of behaviour. Perhaps it’s that unhealthy attachment style of our caregivers or parents who took their frustration and lack of communication skills out on us. It’s not our fault and the good news is once we truly recognise this we can break that cycle.
When we are aware of where our hurt reactivity is coming from we’re able to respond with mindful compassion
Think about what you regularly judge yourself harshly for? And when you identify what it is, examine what it is that you are judging?
Perhaps it’s your self-righteous anger or temper, like me, or excessive consumption to calm or numb your nervous system…
Look through the objective eyes of wisdom, as if you’re a detective, curiously asking what might have conditioned this behaviour?
What’s the felt sense, the need that’s driving this behaviour?
What was hurting, what’s the unmet need?
This is looking at ourselves with kindness.
Tara ends with her meditative inquiry with a poem by Diana Faulds, which I’ve heard time and time again, and that’s because it bears repeating until it sinks in:
Awakening
Why wait for your awakening?
Do you value your reasons for staying small
more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself,
Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have to be whole.
Now.
Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true nature
Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.
Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.
Please, oh please, don’t continue to believe
in your stories of deficiency and failure.
This is the day of your awakening.
― Danna Faulds, Go In and In: Poems From the Heart of Yoga
Sunday 10 January 2021: Trauma Summit
I attended the Trauma Research Foundation (TRF) Social Justice Summit over the weekend. I found it quite interesting and would like to delve deeper into Trauma Studies:
People around the world have been dealing with overwhelming challenges that are hardly imaginable. Yet, we human beings are incredibly resilient and survive by forming connections and collaborations for mutual support to create novel solutions. This summit presented programs from Kenya, Zimbabwe, Jordan/Syria, Rwanda, China, the United States, dealing with US veterans, using narrative and embodied modalities to help individuals & communities who had overwhelming traumatizing experiences. These approaches, created under extreme conditions with very limited resources can be highly relevant to individuals in all communities whose treatment is largely determined by prevailing medical or academic paradigms that may have limited applicability for many of the populations we service.— https://www.traumaresearchfoundation.org/
I don’t think we know just how pervasive trauma is and how many of us are ignorant of our own traumatic experiences. I’ve certainly had a fair share, being as sensitive as I am, which led me, albeit unconsciously, to seek ways to come to terms with these lived experiences.
Wednesday 6 January 2021
Today is the last day of Christmas and the feast of the Epiphany: In Western Christianity, the feast commemorates principally (but not solely) the visit of the Magi to the Christ Child, and thus Jesus' physical manifestation to the Gentiles.[2][3] It is sometimes called Three Kings' Day, and in some traditions celebrated as Little Christmas.[4] Moreover, the feast of the Epiphany, in some denominations, also initiates the liturgical season of Epiphanytide.[5][6] (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(holiday))
Yesterday was the last meeting of the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program (MMTCP) Peer Group. We shared our appreciation for each other, reflecting for the time spent together over the last two years. So, it seems fitting for me to begin with my own appreciation of how these mindfulness practices have served as a sort of epiphany or awakening for me.
Though I have always been quite resilient I also had become quite dissociated and disconnected, not feeling much compassion or empathy for myself or anyone. I have over a couple of years rediscovered a sense of connection to myself, as well as others and for that I am grateful.
Though there is still a lot of judgment I am a lot more accepting of us all, as I like to say, warts and all. There is still plenty of room in my heart for improvement. With that in mind, I decided this morning to embark on a ten-day course by Tara Brach, one of my mentors over the last few years, whose talks I’ve listened to, which inspired me to do the MMTCP with herself and Jack Kornfield, to become a Mindfulness Teacher.
The course title is Free Yourself From Blame & Resentment: Identify where you create separation and free yourself from anger and blame.
In Buddhism, forgiveness is the prerequisite to loving fully. One way of understanding forgiveness is never putting another out of our heart.
Removing the Barriers to Love:
The path to forgiveness begins with recognising the ways we create separation and aspiring to not push anyone, including ourselves, out of our heart. We begin by exploring the definitions of forgiveness and what keeps us holding so tightly to blame. The guided meditation at the end serves to help you identify where you are creating separation and to set your intention to free your heart.
There are two ways to increase the impact of this program: One is to keep a journal and write about what comes up for ourselves, including the effect on our relationships in daily life of the practices. The second is if you happen to have friends who might be interested in doing the program alongside you and sharing your experiences together can create a really supportive, healing container for what comes up.
It’s important to recognise that anger and blame are natural and universal reactions to feeling threatened or injured and each us has encountered injury. We’ve been wound and hurt in relationships, betrayed. We’ve also caused harm to ourselves, triggering self-blame and we’ve been threatened and hurt by our surrounding society, by it’s violence and injustice and it’s oppression towards non-dominant cultures. So it’s natural that we react with blame, that we get angry at what we see as the source of the threat, whether it’s a political leader or a parent or both.
Anger, like all emotions is intelligent and necessary. It lets us know when there is threat and mobilises us to protect ourselves. Much like with a physical wound we need a scab while the wound is raw. But what if we don’t release the scab and move on but continue to carry anger and blame even though it doesn’t serve our well being? Then we loss access, like an old scab that won’t let go, to the deep healing that comes from allowing our wounds to heal naturally by shedding some sunlight and moisture on them, rather than remaining in the dark and not releasing our tears.
An interesting question to ask is what compels us to hold on so tightly and for so long to blame?
We might believe in forgiveness but when it really comes to it, are we willing to practice?
It helps to know that our survival brain, evolved to fix on and remember painful or life threatening experiences and we come to anticipate more.
While this negativity bias of the old part of our brain serves a purpose it doesn’t know when or how to let go off the past when we are no longer in a state of threat or danger.
Instead we contract and carry around old injuries and resentment, anticipating more. This plays out in cycles of blame and unnecessary violence around the world.
This is the suffering of the armouring of blame. It separates us from each other and blocks our natural wisdom and love for each and desire to heal and feel
‘Your failure to know joy is a direct reflection of your inability to forgive’— Charlotte Joko Beck, an American Zen teacher and author.
The good news is our brain has also evolved to recognise the suffering of blame and to access the mindfulness and compassion that frees us. However, it takes time and practice to nurture this part of nature and cultivate forgiveness.
Something in us knows there is no freedom unless we forgive.
My stories of trying to forgive are many. An example of an old wound that’s still subtly healing, is of a friend of mine who chose to judge me and believe what my ex-partner and perhaps others had told him, without ever asking me what was my version of the stories being told about me. That betrayal of our friendship and judgment deeply hurt me. In time I was able to see that he did what did with the best of intentions and I didn’t judge his actions to help a suffering human being with post-traumatic stress disorder with addiction issues that I was not able to support in the same way. What angered and disappointed me was the judgment, which I told him. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are if we are honest and not self-righteous. We’ve all betrayed and let ourselves and others down. Because:
To err is human; to forgive, divine. - Alexander Pope
As we awaken we care more about connection than about being right, more about love than staying in a protected cocoon.
But there are many misunderstandings about forgiveness:
Forgiveness does not condone harmful behaviour, or allowing it to continue. We can forgive and create wise and good boundaries, choosing not to be around someone. Forgiveness is not forgetting and we can say never again: a necessary strong action in response to a harmful one. And yet it can be done with compassion not pushing others out of our hearts and holding on to hatred.
We often need the support of others when it comes to healing, especially if there’s trauma, which requires honestly contacting our wounds.
Forgiveness is a life process, often requiring many rounds for the forgiveness to delve deeper into our tissues and the issues within.
True forgiveness has its own organic process. We can’t will it but we can be willing. We may not be able to open or knock on that door of forgiveness and allow the spirit of forgiveness to enter but we can still have the intention.
If your intention is to free your heart, that automatically opens the door and the rest will unfold naturally.
GUIDED REFLECTION: SELF-FORGIVENESS SCAN
Even when we are not overtly at war with ourselves, we often move through the day judging ourselves for the ways we feel we are falling short. This practice brings our self-judgments into awareness so they can be seen and released. It’s an especially cleansing way to end the day. Try it when you are lying in bed before you go to sleep.
Take some moments to become still and to relax any obvious areas of tension. Then take a few long, slow breaths to help you arrive fully in your body.
Now ask yourself, “Is there anything between me and being at home with myself?” (Feel free to change the wording in any way that helps you identify the presence of self-blame.) Then pause and see what comes up in your body and mind. What stories of wrongdoing have you been telling yourself? Stories of letting others down, of performing poorly at work, of not meeting your standards as a parent, partner, friend, or human being.
If something arises, simply acknowledge it and offer it forgiveness. You might gently place your hand on your heart and whisper, “Forgiven,” or “It’s okay.” Recall your intention not to push yourself out of your own heart. Then inquire again: Is there anything else you’re holding against yourself? Continue in this way until you’ve identified whatever self-judgments you’ve been carrying. End the scan by offering yourself a prayer or blessing, a wish for your own peace of heart and mind.
—Reflection from True Refuge by Tara Brach
I like to wish, pray, or just say:
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I feel free
Friday 8th January: The Two Wings of a Forgiving Heart:
The Two Wings of a Forgiving Heart:
We learn to release blame and hatred by awakening the two wings of awareness: Mindfulness and Compassion. We begin by cultivating self-compassion. We look at the ‘trance of unworthiness’ and then explore a practice Tara Brach calls the ‘Yes’ meditation that helps undo the deep conditioning to contract in self-aversion.
When in the trance of unworthiness, what are you inclined to blame yourself for? Not doing or being good enough; being unkind or selfish; addictive behaviour.
Being insecure and over-sensitive I tend to blame myself for being unkind or selfish. However, I also feel insecure and over-sensitive at times when I’m trying to do more for others and it’s not acknowledged or rejected. In those moments I can get lost in the trance of unworthiness or revert back to addictive behaviours, such as graphomania, philosophy, or feel-good films, where the meek and conflict avoidant protagonist triumphs in the end.
Quite a number of people, myself included, feel we are not doing enough. I remember feeling this when my Dad died and thinking I had not done enough to include him in my life by sharing my thoughts and aspirations with him, instead of anger and exasperation with him when I was overwhelmed or stressed out dealing with my own dis-ease as well as his Parkinson’s. My mother was the one who made most of the decisions about his welfare and even though I was living with them I didn’t want to be the go-between in their relationship. I wanted to get on with living my own life and not have to deal with the stress and strife of their lives or my family in general.
I didn’t and still don’t agree with the way we educate our society to be economically productive but socially inept when it comes to caring for each other.
Money can’t buy you love, nor can it buy it for others to love in your stead. We may think it’s necessary to look after ourselves but if that means we’re too busy to really listen to the needs of others there’s something wrong with our economic system.
I’m learning to cultivate more self-compassion and forgiveness for all the ways I felt I fell short as a son by not repeating the so-called pattern of success in the present. Nor do I often succeed but the intention is there and I am willing to take the time, as I’m doing right now, writing, to nurture, what I consider, our innate compassionate nature.
Tara says, the key piece is this intention or commitment to removing the barriers and free our heart’s from layers of cultural conditioning covering and protecting us from showing our care and compassion and exposing our own need to be vulnerable and ask to be cared for.
Self-compassion and forgiving ourselves for our dissociation from our true nature and our feelings is how we begin to rekindle the divine spark within our hearts that is the origin and manifestation of life coming into human beings.
The core emotion of a separate self however is fear of the unknown, that’s there something wrong with the way things are or the way we are in relation to these other things, be they situations outside ourselves with other beings or with our being and the stories we tell ourselves as part of our self-governing or cultural conditioning to blend or fit in.
We rarely think we are right about ourselves and our caregivers or others are wrong: we believe others know us better than ourselves and learn to behave accordingly, so as to please and gain their love and respect.
Respect comes from the Latin respicere, meaning the willingness to look again. We need to pause and look around for ourselves and see where our caregivers or leaders in any guise are leading us to.
When we compare our innate selves to the expectations of others we begin to ignore or no longer listen to our own heart’s wisdom. We lose touch with our sensitive nature, our voice and vision and become somewhat blind, deaf and dumb.
Then we go through the motions with a sense that something is missing in our lives, something is lacking and we find it hard to remember what or where or how we’ve lost whatever it was and still is: our way of life. We feel we are never enough as we are and it’s that lack of self-awareness, self-knowledge that leads us to the realm of desire to discover our true nature once again.
In an individualist rather than collective culture seeking for oneself is not considered a productive or necessary practice. To do so is not doing enough for the benefit of others. But how are we benefitting anyone by harming ourselves in conforming to socio-economic norms that create such inequality?
The way to heal is to first to do no harm to oneself. Thus my presence in ‘whatever house I enter, I shall come to heal’ —The Hippocratic Oath
Systemic hegemony leads to disease, which can be cured by our innate intelligence when we’re courageous enough to listen to and ask forgiveness from our hearts to ourselves.
Rather than believe the stories of whose to blame why not try to be responsible for how you behave for just today? Because we are able to respond with the two wings of mindfulness and compassion of a forgiving heart.
In Radical Acceptance, Tara describes this chronic condition of self-blame as the trance of unworthiness in relation to how we value ourselves.
This shapes and colours how we behave and see the world: our relationships, our consumerism, our awareness or consciousness of ourselves, and the life we are living.
Circle of consciousness
Everything above the line is in our awareness and everything below the line is outside of our awareness and how our sense of self is outside of awareness and yet effecting our environment much to our own detriment.
As Tara says; ‘if your heart is closed to yourself, you really can’t love your world.’
Tuesday 5 January 2021: Cinema Paradiso & Stories
Cinema Paradiso
I’m on a film diet for the new year. I’m down to a mid-week movie and only on weekends. So I read a couple of chapters, as part of the required reading for January, for the MMTCP course I am soon to finish. Two years goes by quickly and now I have to start getting my style of teaching out there.
Yesterday I listened to a talk by Jonathon Faust, Tara Brach’s husband on how he shares his expertise and I felt inspired. Then that feeling like a drug begins to dissipate and dissolve and I feel like a need another motivational talk to get me going again. However, things in general are beginning to brighten up. There’s a sense of presence and doing what feels right, even if it’s a little risky and moving out of my comfort zone. There’s a willingness to let go of the past though it feels like there is so much of myself invested in the telling of my tales of joy and sorrow. Although mostly it seems like a story of woe, being the holy fool rather than the hero I have become aware of my own ignorance and in that knowledge have achieved through experience some degree of of consciousness and, dare I say it, wisdom.
Being the fool, like in Shakespeare’s King Lear, rather than thinking of myself as the fountain of wisdom rather than folly, means I can hold things, including myself, more lightheartedly. Nor do I feel as much, the need to fix everything and everybody, which only led to an unhealthy co-dependency; by not being able to shoulder or let go of the burden of others and live life my own way without feeling guilty or ashamed. The anxious-avoidant wants to be loved and letting others down I would be ostracised and left feeling lonely and isolated from my family and community:
‘You wouldn’t try to get me back?’ my mother asked my father.
‘No! Not if you let me down like that, or any woman for that matter.’
That’s often how I’ve felt, which has held me back from following my own path in life. The fear of unforgiveness and no real understanding that my intentions are honourable not egotistical, or seeking success and fame or someone to blame. However, sharing the fears and secret anxieties of the society I live in where gossipers and not government are often the greatest form of tyranny, requires voice and vision to end the silence of submission and resignation for the sake of what?
Conforming for the sake of a fallacy of how we’re supposed to be as an individual, within a family, within a community, within a society, within a socio-economic system that is harming our environment and thus serves no one in the end.
Perhaps it is time to begin to risk ostracism to change how our stories will inevitably if we don’t challenge this corrupt and corrupting way of being. In the words of Krishnamurti; it serves no one to be a well-adjusted member of a sick society.
“Now, I’ll tell you what, my friend,” as Mr Scrooge said, “I am not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore,” my three wishes for us all are:
May we be happy,
May we be healthy
May we be peaceful
Like Scrooge I’d like to become as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, in the good old world. Some people may laugh to see the alteration in me, but let them laugh, and little heede them; for I am was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, I think it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. My own heart laughs: and that is quite enough for me.
Like Scrooge I hope I’ll have no further intercourse with Spirits, but live upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possesses the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One! And may this year be a happy, healthy and peaceful one.
A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it. The eBook is available online at www.gutenberg.org
Thoughts for 2021
Le Penseur — Auguste Rodin
Today is the first day I’ve written my thoughts for this year. It’s also the first day officially back at work, so to speak, as I’m self-employed, although I find the only thing that distinguishes work from non-work for me is if I’m avoiding doing something I don’t find enjoyable. Most of what I do I do enjoy. Maybe not at first but once I get into it I feel less stressed or anxious or overwhelmed by the thought of doing it and just get on with it. It’s that question: how do eat you a whole elephant? One bite at a time. I tend to bite off more than I can chew or have grandiose notions about what I could or would like to do though rarely get to do all the things I’d like at the scale I imagine.
The desire to change the world is there but just to change myself and how I approach and appreciate the things I do in life makes would be enough to make all the difference between being content instead of uncertain.
I didn’t make any resolutions this year. No grandiose plans or notions about how I’d like my life to be in the future. I’m trying more than anything to just live and be by not avoiding the present.
Tuesday 5 January 2021
I’m on a film diet for the new year. I’m down to a mid-week movie and only on weekends. So I read a couple of chapters, as part of the required reading for January, for the MMTCP course I am soon to finish. Two years goes by quickly and now I have to start getting my style of teaching out there.
Yesterday I listened to a talk by Jonathon Faust, Tara Brach’s husband on how he shares his expertise and I felt inspired. Then that feeling like a drug begins to dissipate and dissolve and I feel like a need another motivational talk to get me going again. However, things in general are beginning to brighten up. There’s a sense of presence and doing what feels right, even if it’s a little risky and moving out of my comfort zone. There’s a willingness to let go of the past though it feels like there is so much of myself invested in the telling of my tales of joy and sorrow. Although mostly it seems like a story of woe, being the holy fool rather than the hero I have become aware of my own ignorance and in that knowledge have achieved through experience some degree of of consciousness and, dare I say it, wisdom.
Being the fool, like in Shakespeare’s King Lear, rather than thinking of myself as the fountain of wisdom rather than folly, means I can hold things, including myself, more lightheartedly. Nor do I feel as much, the need to fix everything and everybody, which only led to an unhealthy co-dependency; by not being able to shoulder or let go of the burden of others and live life my own way without feeling guilty or ashamed. The anxious-avoidant wants to be loved and letting others down I would be ostracised and left feeling lonely and isolated from my family and community:
‘You wouldn’t try to get me back?’ My mother asked.
‘No! Not if you let me down like that, or any woman for that matter.’
That’s often how I’ve felt, which has held me back from following my own path in life. The fear of unforgiveness and no real understanding that my intentions are honourable not egotistical, or seeking success and fame or someone to blame. However, sharing the fears and secret anxieties of the society I live in where gossipers and not government are often the greatest form of tyranny, requires voice and vision to end the silence of submission and resignation for the sake of what?
Conforming for the sake of a fallacy of how we’re supposed to be as an individual, within a family, within a community, within a society, within a socio-economic system that is harming our environment and thus serves no one in the end.
Perhaps it is time to begin to risk ostracism to change how our stories will inevitably if we don’t challenge this corrupt and corrupting way of being. In the words of Krishnamurti; it serves no one to be a well-adjusted member of a sick society.
“Now, I’ll tell you what, my friend,” as Mr Scrooge said, “I am not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore,” my three wishes for us all are:
May we be happy,
May we be healthy
May we be peaceful
Like Scrooge, I’d like to become as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, in the good old world. Some people may laugh to see the alteration in me, but let them laugh, and little heed them; for I am was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, I think it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. My own heart laughs: and that is quite enough for me.
Like Scrooge I hope I’ll have no further intercourse with Spirits, but live upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possesses the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One! And may this year be a happy, healthy and peaceful one.
A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it. The eBook is available online at www.gutenberg.org
Edward Burne-Jones - The Adoration of the Magi - Google Art Project
Wednesday 6 January 2021
Today is the last day of Christmas and the feast of the Epiphany: In Western Christianity, the feast commemorates principally (but not solely) the visit of the Magi to the Christ Child, and thus Jesus' physical manifestation to the Gentiles.[2][3] It is sometimes called Three Kings' Day, and in some traditions celebrated as Little Christmas.[4] Moreover, the feast of the Epiphany, in some denominations, also initiates the liturgical season of Epiphanytide.[5][6]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epiphany_(holiday)
Yesterday was the last meeting of the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program (MMTCP) Peer Group. We shared our appreciation for each other, reflecting for the time spent together over the last two years. So, it seems fitting for me to begin with my own appreciation of how these mindfulness practices have served as a sort of epiphany or awakening for me.
Though I have always been quite resilient I also had become quite dissociated and disconnected, not feeling much compassion or empathy for myself or anyone. I have over a couple of years rediscovered a sense of connection to myself, as well as others and for that I am grateful.
Though there is still a lot of judgment I am a lot more accepting of us all, as I like to say, warts and all. There is still plenty of room in my heart for improvement. With that in mind, I decided this morning to embark on a ten-day course by Tara Brach, one of my mentors over the last few years, whose talks I’ve listened to, which inspired me to do the MMTCP with herself and Jack Kornfield, to become a Mindfulness Teacher.
The course title is Free Yourself From Blame & Resentment: Identify where you create separation and free yourself from anger and blame.
In Buddhism, forgiveness is the prerequisite to loving fully. One way of understanding forgiveness is never putting another out of our heart.
Removing the Barriers to Love:
The path to forgiveness begins with recognising the ways we create separation and aspiring to not push anyone, including ourselves, out of our heart. We begin by exploring the definitions of forgiveness and what keeps us holding so tightly to blame. The guided meditation at the end serves to help you identify where you are creating separation and to set your intention to free your heart.
There are two ways to increase the impact of this program: One is to keep a journal and write about what comes up for ourselves, including the effect on our relationships in daily life of the practices. The second is if you happen to have friends who might be interested in doing the program alongside you and sharing your experiences together can create a really supportive, healing container for what comes up.
It’s important to recognise that anger and blame are natural and universal reactions to feeling threatened or injured and each us has encountered injury. We’ve been wound and hurt in relationships, betrayed. We’ve also caused harm to ourselves, triggering self-blame and we’ve been threatened and hurt by our surrounding society, by it’s violence and injustice and it’s oppression towards non-dominant cultures. So it’s natural that we react with blame, that we get angry at what we see as the source of the threat, whether it’s a political leader or a parent or both.
Anger, like all emotions is intelligent and necessary. It lets us know when there is threat and mobilises us to protect ourselves. Much like with a physical wound we need a scab while the wound is raw. But what if we don’t release the scab and move on but continue to carry anger and blame even though it doesn’t serve our well being? Then we loss access, like an old scab that won’t let go, to the deep healing that comes from allowing our wounds to heal naturally by shedding some sunlight and moisture on them, rather than remaining in the dark and not releasing our tears.
An interesting question to ask is what compels us to hold on so tightly and for so long to blame?
We might believe in forgiveness but when it really comes to it, are we willing to practice?
It helps to know that our survival brain, evolved to fix on and remember painful or life threatening experiences and we come to anticipate more.
While this negativity bias of the old part of our brain serves a purpose it doesn’t know when or how to let go off the past when we are no longer in a state of threat or danger.
Instead we contract and carry around old injuries and resentment, anticipating more. This plays out in cycles of blame and unnecessary violence around the world.
This is the suffering of the armouring of blame. It separates us from each other and blocks our natural wisdom and love for each and desire to heal and feel
‘Your failure to know joy is a direct reflection of your inability to forgive’— Charlotte Joko Beck, an American Zen teacher and author.
The good news is our brain has also evolved to recognise the suffering of blame and to access the mindfulness and compassion that frees us. However, it takes time and practice to nurture this part of nature and cultivate forgiveness.
Something in us knows there is no freedom unless we forgive.
My stories of trying to forgive are many. An example of an old wound that’s still subtly healing, is of a friend of mine who chose to judge me and believe what my ex-partner and perhaps others had told him, without ever asking me what was my version of the stories being told about me. That betrayal of our friendship and judgment deeply hurt me. In time I was able to see that he did what did with the best of intentions and I didn’t judge his actions to help a suffering human being with post-traumatic stress disorder with addiction issues that I was not able to support in the same way. What angered and disappointed me was the judgment, which I told him. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. None of us are if we are honest and not self-righteous. We’ve all betrayed and let ourselves and others down. Because:
To err is human; to forgive, divine. - Alexander Pope
As we awaken we care more about connection than about being right, more about love than staying in a protected cocoon.
But there are many misunderstandings about forgiveness:
Forgiveness does not condone harmful behaviour, or allowing it to continue. We can forgive and create wise and good boundaries, choosing not to be around someone. Forgiveness is not forgetting and we can say never again: a necessary strong action in response to a harmful one. And yet it can be done with compassion not pushing others out of our hearts and holding on to hatred.
We often need the support of others when it comes to healing, especially if there’s trauma, which requires honestly contacting our wounds.
Forgiveness is a life process, often requiring many rounds for the forgiveness to delve deeper into our tissues and the issues within.
True forgiveness has its own organic process. We can’t will it but we can be willing. We may not be able to open or knock on that door of forgiveness and allow the spirit of forgiveness to enter but we can still have the intention.
If your intention is to free your heart, that automatically opens the door and the rest will unfold naturally.
GUIDED REFLECTION: SELF-FORGIVENESS SCAN
Even when we are not overtly at war with ourselves, we often move through the day judging ourselves for the ways we feel we are falling short. This practice brings our self-judgments into awareness so they can be seen and released. It’s an especially cleansing way to end the day. Try it when you are lying in bed before you go to sleep.
Take some moments to become still and to relax any obvious areas of tension. Then take a few long, slow breaths to help you arrive fully in your body.
Now ask yourself, “Is there anything between me and being at home with myself?” (Feel free to change the wording in any way that helps you identify the presence of self-blame.) Then pause and see what comes up in your body and mind. What stories of wrongdoing have you been telling yourself? Stories of letting others down, of performing poorly at work, of not meeting your standards as a parent, partner, friend, or human being.
If something arises, simply acknowledge it and offer it forgiveness. You might gently place your hand on your heart and whisper, “Forgiven,” or “It’s okay.” Recall your intention not to push yourself out of your own heart. Then inquire again: Is there anything else you’re holding against yourself? Continue in this way until you’ve identified whatever self-judgments you’ve been carrying. End the scan by offering yourself a prayer or blessing, a wish for your own peace of heart and mind.
—Reflection from True Refuge by Tara Brach
I like to wish, pray, or just say:
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I feel free
Friday 8 January 2021
Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash
The Two Wings of a Forgiving Heart:
We learn to release blame and hatred by awakening the two wings of awareness: Mindfulness and Compassion. We begin by cultivating self-compassion. We look at the ‘trance of unworthiness’ and then explore a practice Tara Brach calls the ‘Yes’ meditation that helps undo the deep conditioning to contract in self-aversion.
When in the trance of unworthiness, what are you inclined to blame yourself for? Not doing or being good enough; being unkind or selfish; addictive behaviour
being insecure and over-sensitive
I tend to blame myself for being unkind or selfish. However, I also feel insecure and over-sensitive at times when I’m trying to do more for others and it’s not acknowledged or rejected. In those moments I can get lost in the trance of unworthiness or revert back to addictive behaviours, such as graphomania, philosophy, or feel-good films, where the meek and conflict avoidant protagonist triumphs in the end.
Quite a number of people, myself included, feel we are not doing enough. I remember feeling this when my Dad died and thinking I had not done enough to include him in my life by sharing my thoughts and aspirations with him, instead of anger and exasperation with him when I was overwhelmed or stressed out dealing with my own dis-ease as well as his Parkinson’s. My mother was the one who made most of the decisions about his welfare and even though I was living with them I didn’t want to be the go-between in their relationship. I wanted to get on with living my own life and not have to deal with the stress and strife of their lives or my family in general.
I didn’t and still don’t agree with the way we educate our society to be economically productive but socially inept when it comes to caring for each other.
Money can’t buy you love, nor can it buy it for others to love in your stead. We may think it’s necessary to look after ourselves but if that means we’re too busy to really listen to the needs of others there’s something wrong with our economic system.
I’m learning to cultivate more self-compassion and forgiveness for all the ways I felt I fell short as a son by not repeating the so-called pattern of success in the present. Nor do I often succeed but the intention is there and I am willing to take the time, as I’m doing right now, writing, to nurture, what I consider, our innate compassionate nature.
Tara says, the key piece is this intention or commitment to removing the barriers and free our heart’s from layers of cultural conditioning covering and protecting us from showing our care and compassion and exposing our own need to be vulnerable and ask to be cared for.
Self-compassion and forgiving ourselves for our dissociation from our true nature and our feelings is how we begin to rekindle the divine spark within our hearts that is the origin and manifestation of life coming into human beings.
The core emotion of a separate self however is fear of the unknown, that’s there something wrong with the way things are or the way we are in relation to these other things, be they situations outside ourselves with other beings or with our being and the stories we tell ourselves as part of our self-governing or cultural conditioning to blend or fit in.
We rarely think we are right about ourselves and our caregivers or others are wrong: we believe others know us better than ourselves and learn to behave accordingly, so as to please and gain their love and respect.
Respect comes from the Latin respicere, meaning the willingness to look again. We need to pause and look around for ourselves and see where our caregivers or leaders in any guise are leading us to.
When we compare our innate selves to the expectations of others we begin to ignore or no longer listen to our own heart’s wisdom. We lose touch with our sensitive nature, our voice and vision and become somewhat blind, deaf and dumb.
Then we go through the motions with a sense that something is missing in our lives, something is lacking and we find it hard to remember what or where or how we’ve lost whatever it was and still is: our way of life. We feel we are never enough as we are and it’s that lack of self-awareness, self-knowledge that leads us to the realm of desire to discover our true nature once again.
In an individualist rather than collective culture seeking for oneself is not considered a productive or necessary practice. To do so is not doing enough for the benefit of others. But how are we benefitting anyone by harming ourselves in conforming to socio-economic norms that create such inequality?
The way to heal is to first to do no harm to oneself. Thus my presence in ‘whatever house I enter, I shall come to heal’ —The Hippocratic Oath
Systemic hegemony leads to disease, which can be cured by our innate intelligence when we’re courageous enough to listen to and ask forgiveness from our hearts to ourselves.
Rather than believe the stories of whose to blame why not try to be responsible for how you behave for just today? Because we are able to respond with the two wings of mindfulness and compassion of a forgiving heart.
In Radical Acceptance, Tara describes this chronic condition of self-blame as the trance of unworthiness in relation to how we value ourselves.
This shapes and colours how we behave and see the world: our relationships, our consumerism, our awareness or consciousness of ourselves, and the life we are living.
Circle of consciousness
Everything above the line is in our awareness and everything below the line is outside of our awareness and how our sense of self is outside of awareness and yet effecting our environment much to our own detriment.
As Tara says; ‘if your heart is closed to yourself, you really can’t love your world.’
Sunday 10 January 2021
I attended the Trauma Research Foundation (TRF) Social Justice Summit over the weekend. I found it quite interesting and would like to delve deeper into Trauma Studies:
People around the world have been dealing with overwhelming challenges that are hardly imaginable. Yet, we human beings are incredibly resilient and survive by forming connections and collaborations for mutual support to create novel solutions. This summit presented programs from Kenya, Zimbabwe, Jordan/Syria, Rwanda, China, the United States, dealing with US veterans, using narrative and embodied modalities to help individuals & communities who had overwhelming traumatizing experiences. These approaches, created under extreme conditions with very limited resources can be highly relevant to individuals in all communities whose treatment is largely determined by prevailing medical or academic paradigms that may have limited applicability for many of the populations we service.— https://www.traumaresearchfoundation.org/
I don’t think we know just how pervasive trauma is and how many of us are ignorant of our own traumatic experiences. I’ve certainly had a fair share, being as sensitive as I am, which led me, albeit unconsciously, to seek ways to come to terms with these lived experiences.
Monday 11 January 2021
A multiple-choice answer to a question Tara gives us to ponder about in session three of her course on the theme of forgiveness is: when I try to see how suffering has driven harmful behaviours, I feel…
I’m making excuses
Afraid I’ll continue being harmful
Unable to see the suffering
Connected with self-compassion
Realising it’s not my fault:
This morning, after a rather enjoyable and educative weekend I am returning to the practice of forgiveness by freeing myself from blame and resentment.
Consider where you find it hard to forgive yourself for something you said or done in the past, or maybe something that’s ongoing?
What comes to my mind is every time I react in anger or frustration at my mother when it feels like she is comparing me to others and criticising me.
The next question is what stops me from forgiving myself? What stops me from letting go of blame? What might happen if I forgave myself?
Reflect on these questions and see if you can sense for yourself that there might be a fear that forgiving yourself is condoning your behaviour: Hurting my father, came to mind.
Or that by forgiving and condoning your behaviour you’ll continue to repeat it and never stop or improve or get better.
Or maybe if you forgive yourself others won’t forgive you and you’ll be rejected by them. Or maybe you feel you don’t deserve forgiveness for the premature death of loved ones because of one simple act of carelessness. A film that depicts this well is Manchester by the Sea.
When we continue to blame and are unable or unwilling to forgive ourselves, it gives us an illusory sense of control.
Could I have saved Alberto’s life, prevented his overdosing if I had knocked on my flatmate’s door that night? Could I have prevented my brother from almost burning to death, if I had gone with him down to the shed that day? Could I have kept my relationship with Maya alive, had I been there to open the door for her that day; or helped another ex-partner or my sister to me move beyond their trauma and destructive habits of self-soothing? Could I have done and still do more to open or remove the doors separating myself from them and countless other relationships I’m not even conscious of playing a role in deconstructing?
I think of another old flame, opening the door and scurrying like a gerbil into my bed when we became lovers instead of remaining just good friends one Christmas. Two years later I rejected what I considered an indirect invitation to enter her bedroom when she left her door slightly open. Having shut me out too often in the interim I got used to sleeping alone again and soothing myself, rather than when it suited her.
Or perhaps anticipating rejection again and not wanting to feel that feeling I preferred to avoid and control who and how I loved and satisfied my sexual desires.
When we’re blaming or not forgiving ourselves or others for how we’re behaving it gives us a sense of illusory control that at least we’re doing something to counter control the situation or person that’s hurting us.
The Buddha explains this in terms of two arrows:
The first arrow that hits us is an unpleasant experience of ourselves: some aggressive, irrational, or fearful behaviour.
The second arrow is when we try to control that perceived bad or unpleasant experience by punishing ourselves, shooting ourselves with the second arrow of judgment: I’m to blame for experiencing this. This is the self-imprisonment of our survival brain: it turns against itself when we perceive ourselves as a threat. But does this help to heal the parts of ourselves that are hurting? Does hating or condemning parts of ourselves; our angry self, our anxious-avoidant or overly submissive oppressed self, make us feel better or worse? Self-hatred or blame for what we’ve said or done reinforces our lack of self-esteem and self-worthiness of love. It lays the foundation for more of the same behaviour, clinging to our past and erroneous beliefs of right and wrong.
So how do we evolve beyond this habit of self-blame?
We use the wing of mindfulness to investigate.
Tara gives an example of a dog we approach in friendship responds with aggressiveness because its leg is in a trap. All we feel at first is its aggression because we don’t see the bind it’s in that’s causing it to snarl at us.
I think of a recent event where a man and not his dog snarled at me. I had taken our dogs for their morning walk passing by a grassy area where we, like many others, bring their dogs, to do their business rather than having to pick it up on the footpath and bin it in a rubbish, not a compost bin. Out of nowhere, I hear, ‘Excuse me, pick up your dog’s shit’ I turned to be confronted by this demanding, angry man and I immediately became defensive. ‘I don’t pick it up when they do it on the grass,’ I told him. We argued back and forth with his threatening to report me to the guards and dog warden, and verbally abusing me. I told him to go get psychiatric help and to watch his language. ’What are you going to do about it?’ Nothing, I said, just watch your language, which only served to provoke him. He kept on being abusive and went over to a woman waiting with her kids to be picked up by a bus for school, telling her about that bollocks who wouldn’t pick up his dog’s shit. I gestured to the woman that he was crazy. I followed on after him telling him if he had something to say, say it to me. He took the chain of his dog and acted as if he was going to hit me with it. I told him to go ahead and when he got too close to me I put out my hand and stopped him from coming any closer. That firm hand on his chest surprised him and he backed away, trying to make out it was me who was attacking rather than defending myself. Retrieving his dog, which concerned me more with our two straining to attack rather than wait to be bitten, he moved on warning me to stay out of his way.
I turned and walked back rather than walking in the same direction as him. For a few days after that incident, I was wary of meeting him again and I did of course bump into him. He was still behaving aggressively and probably also as anxious as I to avoid me but not willing to back down. On that occasion, my partner who was holding our dogs moved off the footpath to let him pass with his hooded head down for although had seen us he wasn’t going to give way. On the few occasions, I’ve seen him since there have been no words spoken but he was a little shook the last time I bumped into him.
While I have forgiven myself for reacting in kind and ready to defend myself or my partner if necessary, I can see how his leg has been in a trap for many years with only a dog for company. Because of his way of being he states and follows the rules to the letter with no legroom. As a result, no community organisation wants even his voluntary participation, which makes it difficult to integrate into any community. Although I feel a level of compassion for him, however, I now keep a safe distance from him no longer saluting him as I used to in the past. The boundary is to avoid any further confrontation but it also means there is less chance of reconciliation. These are often difficult situations to let go of and move on from, especially when it’s an intimate friend and not someone I’ve only occasionally spoken to. However, knowing in my heart that I’ve forgiven myself and forgiven him I can with all compassion wish him well. I’m not going to try and rescue him from the bind he’s in, but I can feel compassion and empathise with him for I too have lost my temper and held on to blame and resentment to the detriment of relationships with once intimate friends.
It can be hard to forgive those whom we think should know better and let go of the hurt and betrayal of friendship. However, there can always be the desire or intention and that willingness to forgive ourselves and let go of our self-blame and resentment, which at least remove the barriers that separate us from ourselves.
When we’re at peace with ourselves we’re less likely to behave in ways that are harmful. The behaviours we condemn are a product of past conditioning and so the capacity to see that our leg is in a trap is essential if we want to forgive ourselves and be free.
Most importantly it’s through a felt sense of what’s going on: often our reactions are due to some earlier wounding, where we felt belittled or disrespected or unloved and didn’t get our needs met that we need to now heal for ourselves. That’s often why the felt sense of hurt, fear, anger, and later shame at our uncontrollable outbursts which we are replaying in the present is a great opportunity to change our conditioned pattern of behaviour. Perhaps it’s that unhealthy attachment style of our caregivers or parents who took their frustration and lack of communication skills out on us. It’s not our fault and the good news is once we truly recognise this we can break that cycle.
When we are aware of where our hurt reactivity is coming from we’re able to respond with mindful compassion
Think about what you regularly judge yourself harshly for? And when you identify what it is, examine what it is that you are judging?
Perhaps it’s your self-righteous anger or temper, like me, or excessive consumption to calm or numb your nervous system…
Look through the objective eyes of wisdom, as if you’re a detective, curiously asking what might have conditioned this behaviour?
What’s the felt sense, the need that’s driving this behaviour?
What was hurting, what’s the unmet need?
This is looking at ourselves with kindness.
Tara ends with her meditative inquiry with a poem by Diana Faulds, which I’ve heard time and time again, and that’s because it bears repeating until it sinks in:
Awakening
Why wait for your awakening?
Do you value your reasons for staying small
more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself,
Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have to be whole.
Now.
Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true nature
Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.
Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.
Please, oh please, don’t continue to believe
in your stories of deficiency and failure.
This is the day of your awakening.
― Danna Faulds, Go In and In: Poems From the Heart of Yoga
Wednesday 13 January 2021
Nick Scheerbart
The RAIN of Self-Forgiveness (Adapted from True Refuge (2013) by Tara Brach. )
The acronym RAIN, which considering we have plenty of in Ireland, should be an easy way for us to remember the practice of mindfulness and self-compassion:
Recognize what is going on;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
Recognizing means simply acknowledging our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, especially when we are suffering from a limited sense of self-belief about our own good nature. When we are criticising or blaming ourselves for how we’ve behaved, or feeling ashamed and afraid or anxious about the consequences.
Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations we have recognized simply be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything. When we’re caught in self-judgment, letting it be there doesn’t mean we agree with the belief that we’re to blame or unworthy. Rather, we honestly acknowledge the arising of judgment, as well as the painful reality of our feelings.
Once we have recognised and allowed what is, we can investigate, or call on our natural curiosity to know ourselves in the present: How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing about myself? Do I or can I feel a felt sense of what I truly need right now?
Whatever the inquiry, your investigation will be most transformational if you step away from conceptualising and bring your primary attention to the felt-sense in the body.
When investigating, it is essential to approach your experience in a non-judgmental and kind way. This attitude of care helps create a sufficient sense of safety, making it possible to honestly connect with our hurts, fears, and shame.
Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that we recognize we are suffering. It comes into fullness as we intentionally nurture our inner life with self-care. To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened, or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need. Does it need a message of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Of companionship? Of love? Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you; I’m sorry, and I love you; I love you, and I’m listening; It’s not your fault; Trust in your innate good nature.
In addition to a whispered message of care, many people find it healing to gently place a hand or hands on the heart or cheek; or other parts of the body. Also by envisioning being bathed in or embraced by warm, radiant light. And if it feels difficult to offer yourself, love, bring to mind a loving being - spiritual figure, family member, friend, or pet - and imagine that being’s love and wisdom flowing into you.
When the intention to awaken self-compassion is sincere, the smallest gesture of turning towards love, of offering love - even if initially it feels awkward - will nourish your heart.
When you’ve completed the active steps of RAIN, it’s important to just notice your own presence and rest in that wakeful, tender space of awareness. The fruit of RAIN is realizing that you are no longer imprisoned in the trance of unworthiness, or in any limiting sense of self…Give yourself the gift of becoming familiar with the truth and natural freedom of your being; it is mysterious and precious!
RAIN is an ongoing practice for life—a way of transforming doubts and fears with a healing presence. Each time we are willing to slow down and recognize, our thoughts and feelings whatever they may be we are de-conditioning our old habits and limiting self-beliefs. Gradually, whatever story we’ve been telling ourselves about not being good enough or happy enough as we fade away, and we recognise and accept our experiential selves as we are.
You can take your time and explore RAIN one step at a time or move through the steps whenever challenging feelings arise. It’s a practice that awakens self-compassion, opens our hearts to allow everything in without exception.
A Meditation—The RAIN of Self-Compassion:
Sitting in a comfortable way, so you're alert and upright and also at ease. Begin by bringing to mind a difficulty that we've encountered— some situation or some circumstance that brings up emotional reactivity, whether it be fear or anger or hurt; some experience you'd like to bring this practice of mindfulness and compassion — the RAIN practice— to. It could be a situation in a relationship, some conflict, place of misunderstanding and reactivity. It could be something that goes on in your own behavior, some addictive kind of tendency. It could be something that comes up around work that brings up a feeling of failure or jealousy—anxiety.
You might sense the common denominator being that a difficulty that brings up in some way some self-aversion where you're down on yourself. Take some moments to sense that difficulty in a recent situation that it might have been where you might have been triggered.
Let yourself enter enough into that situation so you can sense what's going on and what's really activating you, what's bothering you. The beginning of RAIN is to recognize what's happening.
Some way to recognize, "OK, I'm stuck," to recognize whatever is predominant in your experience, whatever emotions or feelings you're most aware of. And hand in hand with that recognition is the "A" of rain, or the allowing-- to just let the experience be as it is. So the allowing is a quality of pausing and just making space for things instead of trying to fix it or get away from it. Simply acknowledging and giving some space for what's here. Notice what that's like—just agreeing to experience something for these moments.
You might sense in your own experience now as you have reentered an experience that had been triggering for you if there's any difference in how you're relating with it—investigating, bringing some nurturing, some compassion. Sense where you are right now. And if there's anything that feels like it's calling you about the experience inside you, if you feel any call to deepen your attention or to offer some kindness right in this moment, you might sense what that's like. What happens if you just make some gesture of kindness, of understanding, of compassion inwardly?
Just to notice the presence that's here—the difference between being totally stuck inside an experience and that openness and presence and care that really expresses the truth of who you are:
"Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter. If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life." —Wu Men
The practice ends with this question: What most resonates with you as a gift of self-forgiveness?
I’ll leave you to answer that for yourself.
Thursday 14 January 2021
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When We Can’t Forgive
There are times when we are unable to access the self-compassion needed for self-forgiveness. In this session, Tara explores how, if we get stuck in the conditioning of hatred or anger, we can reach out to a larger belonging and discover the loving presence that, at the moment, is difficult to access within.
We’re turning towards a place of refuge where we can rely on our innate wisdom or buddha nature, our spiritual or future self to reconnect with a more expansive sense of ourselves and who we are. It’s calling on something or someone to help reconnect us with a sense of wholeness. We can call on a mentor figure, dead or alive, whom we trust, and that motivates us to go on.
Which matches your idea of a Being that expresses love and understanding?
Buddha/Jesus/ Mohamed; a friend, teacher, parent, child; someone you don’t know personally; a formless presence
I thought of my parents and some of the painful and pleasant experiences I’ve had with them over the years we’ve known each other. These are ordinary people with their vices and virtues and while my father has died my mother is still alive and kicking. She has her way of being, as do I and we often disagree on how to be or live life.
Only yesterday I argued with her over the installation of a greenhouse on her property. She doesn’t want it and I don’t think it’s fair that my brother has the use of the land and I can’t have a small patch. She has no interest in gardening and doesn’t understand what it means to my partner, Linn, and I, to grow our own to be more in tune with nature. What she likes is everything to be neat and tidy and her family and property seem to me like an extension of herself.
I on the other hand am not too fussy about how things look, nor do I like other people telling me how they’d like me to look or how I should be. So, needless to say, we clash regularly.
Her way of being represents the microcosm or macrocosm where possession is nine-tenths of the law. Rebels, like me, who don’t agree with private ownership of the planet and the unequal distribution of resources, find it hard to accept these unnatural laws, especially when I feel they are destroying the planet.
And yet I can love and forgive what I see as my mother’s shortsightedness in this regard. I can’t change her opinion and don’t want to be in conflict but I do feel it’s worth arguing about and I will continue to do so. Of course, I could do more of what she’d like me to do and “in turn” get more from her as a form of reciprocity but that’s also manipulative behaviour and I wouldn’t be tidying the garage to suit myself but to keep her from harping on at me.
While I could take everything pertaining to me and hide it away, out of sight and out of mind, the material problems of our lives won’t go away until we’ve dealt with the real messiness in our lives.
Self-Forgiveness and Making Amends
For self-forgiveness to be complete, we need to offer our sincere prayer, care and sometimes, active help to those who have been injured. In this session Tara guides us in offering our heart’s care where there has been an injury, even if the person is no longer alive.
When it comes to self-forgiveness we’re sometimes afraid that we will condone and permit ourselves to behave in the same way again and again if we don’t punish ourselves or others for our so-called sins.
I am reminded of was the time I hit my father in frustration with his resistance to whatever I was doing to try and help him. I felt ashamed and afterward confessed to a friend who absolved me. Though I felt a sense of relief at being forgiven. I knew in my heart that power over others is weakness disguised as strength and I was still guilty of abusing the power I now had over my father. Now I was the bully, as I told him and he was as defiant as I was when it was the other way around.
When it happened again I didn’t feel like I had to confess again. I could forgive myself and was able to realise in time that my father’s lashing out at me and in turn my lashing out at him was due to the extremely stressful situation we were both in at that particular moment and what we said and did to hurt each other was a way of releasing that pent-up energy and emotions of fear and anger, resentment and hopeless frustration.
However, we were always able to make amends and apologise to each other in our own way. I was able to ask for his forgiveness and he would say forget about it or that there was nothing to forgive as he had already forgotten and had learned to let go and no longer held on to the painful memories where we unintentionally hurt each other. Instead, we were able to remember all the kind acts and gestures of love at the end of his life and I’m so grateful to remember the happier moment we spent together, as well as his wisdom when it came to living.
For a long time, I lacked the self-compassion to let go and carried the hurt and anger and deep down sadness of feeling I was not good enough in his eyes. Especially after an offhand remark, he made that Maya, my partner, at the time was too good for me. I had held on to this as a source of pain and suffering to determined to transform myself and become a worthy and successful person despite him and yet for him. Though the irony is, when I eventually confronted him, I could by his face he had no recollection of having spoken those words that cut me in two, as I described in this poem about:
My Parents
My parents always found some way
To save me from that rainy day
Some spent sipping pints of stout.
Cigarette stuck in my mouth.
I thought of them, no doubt,
When the money ran out.
Dad had to dig deep in his pocket,
Pulling a few pound from his pay packet:
The weekly wage that had a long way to go
But no matter what they had to pay
Seldom if ever did I hear them say no.
And what little thanks did I show?
Lent a hand at the weekend
Every now and then
Before I’d be gone again.
Now though I remember mostly sad things about him
Rubbing cream on his cracked skin;
The hard hands of a hard man,
Whose crude kind of love I couldn’t understand
Oppressive silences after we’d argued again
Eventually, though we’d both give in.
Although some things are not so easily forgiven
Now there’s nowhere for me to run or hide away
From what your slip of the tongue did that day
What a sad last impression you’ve made
Cut now in two
Like the worm beneath the blade of the spade
I wreath and wriggle away from you
For I cannot say what I’d like to
Part of me died that day Dad
And I’m sorry son was all you had to say
For all this sadness to have faded away.
The part that died was my ability to forgive and forget until I had physically got it off my chest. I had told Maya and written about it, as a way of trying to literally transform it but I couldn’t physically get it off my chest until I had confronted him. I could see by the look on his face that he realised how wrong it was to say such a thing to his own son and told him that he could when he asked ‘what do you want me to say,’ say you’re sorry, which he was, but couldn’t or wouldn’t admit to at that moment.
We can’t force someone to feel sorry or apologise. Nor are our attempts to resolve a conflict always going to be met with acceptance. Situations come to mind, right now, where my apology was rejected, though I can’t remember an incident when I turned down another’s attempt at reconciliation.
Ah, yes, an old friend’s offer to go for a coffee to whom I hadn’t spoken since he intervened in relation to an ex-partner of mine suffering from PTSD. Even though at the time I was grateful for his intervention, and knew his intentions were honourable I felt betrayed by his judgement and subsequent treatment of me due to his feelings. I was blissfully ignorant for a time that he was angry and ambiguous about our friendship and didn’t understand until he wrote some months later as to how I had offended him. His judgement of me without ever having heard my side of the story or what it had been like for me, living with someone with PTSD is what caused a rift in our friendship and led to the boundary.
When I bumped into him the day he suggested we go for a coffee, he was with a mutual acquaintance, and I invited them both to my apartment. However it didn’t happen that day and we’ve not had that coffee since. Although we’ve greeted each other on the rare occasion we’ve meet in town, we’ve not really spoken since that time and I doubt we’ll ever be intimate friends again. I feel I could never open-heartedly trust him again. However, I’ve forgiven him and send my prayers of Metta and forgiveness to both him and my ex-girlfriend. For the time being that is the way it is and maybe the way it will always be. What will be, will be but I can at least see him now without the same sense of betrayal of friendship or anxiety.
There is still a felt sense of some pain and suffering, which is perhaps why our invisible boundaries keep us apart but I have learned so much about love and friendship from these failed relationships. They motivated me to seek help in order to heal and better understand myself.
I’ve come a long way since then and I continue doing my rounds of forgiveness and letting go by mostly living as a better person to makes amends for self-ignorance. I didn’t know how to be more self-aware and take better care of myself in emotionally fraught situations in the past, that continue to represent themselves, giving me fresh opportunities to practice self-compassion and forgiveness.
I don't share to be confessional. Stories from my life and how I’m working with my own issues serve to demonstrate that we all, even mindfulness teachers, have our shadow or dark side to deal with. We all need to bring what we think is taboo to the table to shed some light on our true nature.
I heard of a podcast with a writer, interviewed about his style who said when you're telling a story, you can either set yourself up as the hero or you can set yourself up as a fool. He said, "And I always take the stance of the fool." I realised that while I’ve wanted to be the unassuming hero of my stories, most of the time, they are told from the standpoint of being the unconscious fool recognising my ignorance and being humble enough to share it, for the sake of others.
I find Truth to be personal and engaging. But again, there's a fine line between something being too raw and confessional and something leading toward nurturing our true nature. So while I try to be aware when sharing personal experiences from my life they may not be relatable or maybe even triggering to some people. So, it’s important to take care of yourself, while reading these thoughts and to remember these are just my thoughts and we are not our thoughts, and definitely not my thoughts.
If I'm reading a book on trauma, or lovingkindness, or listening to others giving a talk on whatever, something's going to really touch me around my own experience of these feelings. Whatever the topic, if it feels safe for you, really let those feelings be alive inside you. That’s how we learn to empathise with one another. I heard someone say there are only two types who celebrate when they go through a hard time: comedians and Dharma teachers but there are many more of us who go through the catharsis of these experiences with us, who haven’t chosen to creatively express or share it.
I received an email from Stephan Wolfert, with whom I recently participated in an online workshop. It was part of the two day International Social Justice Summit, organised by the Trauma Research Foundation (TRF), a community of researchers and clinicians who are committed to developing innovative methods for the treatment of people of all ages who have experienced trauma. The conference was hosted by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D., author of the New York Times best seller The Body Keeps the Score, and Licia Sky, C.M.O.H., who is a Boston based artist, singer-songwriter, and bodyworker who works with traumatised individuals and trains mental health professionals to use Embodied Self Experience in movement, theatre exercises, writing and voice as tools for attunement, healing and connection.
There's a lot of stigmas attached to entering even a virtual room, much less a performance space or any therapeutic program if you're not obliged to, which is why these programs are always voluntary. It’s better if we choose to participate of our own accord, and we do if we’re drawn to getting to the heart of what makes us tick.
Bessel says, in his book, that survivors of trauma are creative, they must be to survive. I have found that to be true in my own case, as well as in my intimate relationships. In fact, Stephan Wolfert who co-runs a program called DE-CRUIT; treating trauma through Shakespeare and science, says that everyone they have met within prisons, addiction centres, etc., are actually artists who have had the art beaten out of them.
I wrote to him after our session with a couple of questions:
I'd like to know how people feel after they've performed a part?
"Lighter" is the word that we hear the most. In fact, it has become the question that we use as a litmus test as to whether or not we need to do some box-breathing or not. If they feel "heavier," which is rare, we bring them (using theatre and therapy techniques) back into the room and back into this moment, via breath work and eye movement. However, this is made possible by hours of practice beforehand. The intent of the "performance" is to fully have memories/emotions, feel them fully, survive them, be supported by others and then recover from them (very often in a new way). Further, we ensure that everyone has people/resources to reach out to after the "performance".
Also, is it only people who consider themselves traumatised that do this training, as not everyone wants others to know they're suffering from PTSD?
Many, and in the early days nearly all, enter the room without having any acceptance or understanding that they may have endured trauma. If they served in combat, then, in some cases they are more likely to enter the room with some ideas about trauma. But since we know that the majority of this began in childhood, they end up going backwards and bumping into their own A.C.E. [Adverse Childhood Experiences] score. And, because of the group's acceptance of our trauma or attachment disorder, the individual is more willing and more able to accept their own.
http://www.philipmediation.com/blog/truer-than-the-truth
I first heard this proverb listening to a talk on trauma with Peter Levine, another great teacher on this subject. We can’t change our past, nor can we change the truth of our experiences but as the old Jewish proverb says we can change the story and thus change how we feel or interpret it.
I think that the arts, can change how we feel about ‘the heartache and thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to’ Hamlet (Act 3 Scene 1):
According to Robert Popa, ‘heartbreak is the core of Hamlet’s character, that it is “the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to” that defines him, not madness. From the actor’s perspective, it is imperative to gain an in-depth understanding of the thoughts within the character’s mind, as well as all the feelings within the character’s heart, for a truthful performance.
Scholarship suggests that Hamlet is either on a path toward madness, given the visitations of his father’s Ghost, or that he is an intellectual, perfectly sane, and only feigning madness on the path toward avenging his father’s murder…
Hamlet’s multiple heartaches, in conjunction with his compounded stress, may have induced a psychotic break. More specifically, an acute psychosis, that peaks in intensity and transparency in the Closet Scene. The psychosis is triggered when he confronts and berates his mother. This type of mental illness, or “madness,” would be the most suitable and realistic in portraying the character…
[T]o play the role of Hamlet [one] should focus on the emotions within the character’s heart, truly understand the world surrounding our protagonist, contextualize his text, and then decide the fate of his mental health. If the heartbreak is extreme enough, it most definitely affects the mind.’(http://nrs.harvard.edu/urn-3:HUL.InstRepos:42004175)
While I agree with the author, that Hamlet’s heart is broken, his behaviour seems symptomatic of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to me.
Shakespeare has become a mentor and friend and I’ve really felt an intimate affinity with him, since studying Much Ado About Nothing with Madame Jones-Davies as part of mes etudes de Langues, Literature et Civilizations a la Sorbonne. I felt his sensitivity as a human being and storyteller through his comedies and tragedies and know in my heart that in many ways these stories are not just his literary legacy but his autobiography, his story. And just as find myself in his characters and tales, I also imagine there are many writers who see all aspects of themselves and humankind for that is what he was capturing in everyday life by absorbing the thousand shocks that flesh is heir to.
I imagine we all have our ways of coping with the joys and sorrows of our lives. The joy and the ecstasy, the traumas and the tragedies that befall us all. But not many of us desire to delve deep enough to get the core or heart of our joy and suffering. That is what writers, dharma teachers, and many other creative artists and facilitators, such as I, do on a daily basis, whether or not we get laid or paid, for doing so.
Coming out of the proverbial closet about one’s depression, addiction, trauma, or Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) or whatever we happen to have experienced has become a career for some if not many of the professionals performing in the dramatic, post-dramatic, and traumatic, and post-traumatic fields. By transforming our experiences and ourselves in the research and development of our auto-ethnographic studies, to become the everyday experts of our own lives, I feel is an admirable pursuit if we can with our hand on our hearts, truly get to the heart of ourselves. I’m uncertain as to whether I am courageous enough to truly unmask and face myself but that at least is my intention, as a human being.
However, as a writer, author, performance artist, mindfulness teacher or creative facilitator, or any other definition I publicly call and identify myself with, I have the much more onerous task and responsibility of creating a story that will do no harm.
That is the Hippocratic oath all healers of our humanity take. And who or what is more powerful than the storytellers and their stories that transform our ailing societies and civilisation.
“The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.”— Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey”
Sunday 17 January 2021
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.”— Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
This quote that Tara Brach uses in session in some ways encapsulates our fears about self-forgiveness and making amends.
The truth is the suffering we’ve caused others or that others have caused us to suffer leaves, as I said in the poem; my parents, a deep and lasting sad impression. We may be able to ignore the heartbreak and seemingly recover but it’s like a fissure or fault beneath the surface that affects us in profound ways. There is often an unconscious longing or desire to unearth and repair the damage, to forgive and be forgiven when we’ve caused harm.
The impression of harm is felt and expressed in many ways: deep-seated shame, or guilt or remorse. We may fight or take flight or numb ourselves rather than face the sorrow for not having been the loving parent or child we wished we could have been in another’s eyes.
I remember my mother blaming herself as much as telling us about my oldest sister saying to her; I never remember you looking at me with love the way you did at Helen, her youngest daughter. We are how we love, not who loves us.
How we express our heart’s sensitivity requires great courage and vulnerability. It leads to self-empowerment and self-responsibility on the path towards self-realisation and that freedom to be able to do what we want without fear of hurting ourselves or others because we are being true to ourselves.
At the end of session seven, Tara asks the question:
How do you relate to the principle of 100% responsible for your own experience?
A pathway toward empowerment
It overlooks the influence of others
I can’t contact the reactivity inside
Reminder to be gentle with hurt
In contrast to the habit of blaming ourselves and others for our behaviour, feeling a healthy sense of shame for our actions, (maybe even the actions of others) is not a bad but a good thing to feel, because it lets us know we’ve strayed from our own path.
Similarly guilt lets us know when our actions are not aligned with our values and we can try to make amends if possible.
However, true self-forgiveness cannot be complete unless we’ve included in our practices asking forgiveness from those we’ve hurt. This is something we need to feel for ourselves as a natural act of compassion for others as a result of our self-compassion. Empathy arises for the harm that’s been done by us to us, as our consciousness expands.
The urge or impulse to reconcile comes when we’ve recognised the reality of our impact on the lives of others; whether or not our intention was to harm or perhaps being cruel to be kind. It’s when we’ve learned to face ourselves and our hearts burst open like a dam that we yearn to relieve the suffering of not just ourselves but others. Then we are able to respond with courage and wisdom, with a wise heart, a brave heart, to the pain and suffering we’ve come to witness in the world.
So how do we make amends?
We recognise and acknowledge the hurt we’ve caused to others. And if we are no longer able to speak to them we can still offer our prayers, our remorse, and our wishes for forgiveness for the impact we’ve had on their lives.
As we intentionally practice this, we learn to face ourselves and the grip of self-aversion begins to loosen and we feel more wholesome and at peace with everyone.
The inner-reconciliation and outer reconciliation with others for what we have done and failed to do.
Some offering or small gesture can make all the difference and act as a catalyst within ourselves for giving to others.
Our gesture of forgiveness can be rejected by others but it is their hearts not our’s that has still not melted. We have been courageous enough to face the fear of rejection of our act of forgiveness and desire for reconciliation.
It takes courage and wisdom to know whether such a gesture will serve to break the resistance and release the tension within ourselves and someone else.
We need to know whether our sincere intention for self-forgiveness can let go of all expectations of the forgiveness of another.
Our apology for the harm we’ve caused may be met with anger and scorn but we can trust in the felt sense and knowledge that we’re bringing more healing energy into the world and that it’s bound to ripple out.
Another dilemma for ourselves may be whether we feel we need to feel that self-forgiveness before we practice forgiving others.
I find forgiving others is an ongoing process that comes with releasing any blame, resentment or judgment with self-forgiveness and self-compassion and awareness that it usually takes two to tango: for every action their is a reaction and while I may not feel responsible for another’s actions towards me I am responsible as to how I choose to respond in kind. I can continue or perpetuate their, as well as my own, suffering by holding on to grudges or I can forgive and forget in time. What continues to be of significant consequence in the present is only because I’m recalling it every time I see them or reminding myself to remember it in the present, because a part of me continues to see them as a threat to my sense of self. Even though I know our history is past and gone and it’s my foolish story of self that carries it on.
Is there way to end our story of uncertain consequence?
Asking for forgiveness comes first but go with your gut and what works for you. Whatever way you can in the present let go of hurt and heal yourselves and others works.
We’re learning to accept and trust ourselves and others to be as we are without judgement.
Sense your intention to free your heart and to free others through the practice of asking for forgiveness.
Take some time to breath and feel your heart before bringing to mind a situation where you may have caused some harm to another and would like to privately or publicly reconcile with them.
Let yourself become aware of how you’ve caused harm and sense the reality of that.
As you have a felt sense of this in your body whisper the person’s name and say:
I see and feel the hurt I’ve caused you and I ask your forgiveness. Please forgive me.
Feeling your own sincerity, ask for forgiveness as often as necessary until you have a felt sense of their own well-being in your well-being, remembering that we are all somehow connected with the same vitality coming from the same source of life.
Ask yourself is there a way you could contribute to this healing meditation with some gesture or action? Imagine if you can some way to make amends, aligned with this courageous heart, with no expectation of reciprocation, just knowing that your heartbeat is pulsating out into the universe bring healing.
We end this meditative reflective by noticing now is there any self-judgment and forgiving ourselves with self-compassion knowing our sincere intention is to grow in loving kindness and courage to mercifully forgive all unhappy beings whose hearts have been broken, including our own. For who wants to feel:
Cut now in two
Like the worm beneath the blade of the spade
I wreath and wriggle away from you
For I cannot say what I’d like to
Part of me died that day Dad
And I’m sorry son was all you’d have to say
For all this sadness to fade away.
Monday 18 January 2021
Courtesy of wisdomquotes.com
Today is the last meeting of our mentor group and I also received the last of modules; a session on Spiritual Maturity.
This is the journal prompt that goes with it:
Reflect on one or more people who really embody spiritual maturity for you and inspire you. How do you see these qualities emerging in yourself?
There were a few things in this last talk that struck a chord with me and what I have been writing about recently, particularly in terms of how I am learning to let go of my stories:
In the last video lesson of this two year teacher training in Mindfulness, Jack and Tara offer multiple stories that exemplify what it means to trust the power of the heart and awareness to awaken through all circumstances.
By the end of this session, [I am supposed to] be able to apply the analogy of consciousness manifesting as a crystal, helping [me] to recognize the multi-faceted realisations that can emerge through the awakening process and apply the skills of curiosity and loving awareness to support others in their mindful awareness practice.
No pressure!
‘From the deepest place of awakening, consciousness itself, which is what we are and which creates life in the universe, manifests like a crystal. That is to say, in its purest state, consciousness is luminous and open and fertile and has all possibilities. When you shine light through a crystal, you get all the different wavelengths or colors of the rainbow, of red, green, violet, blue, and so forth. Consciousness has all these flavors when we turn toward awareness or consciousness itself.’ — Jack kornfield
The idea is not to perfect yourself, but to perfect your love. To take this world as it is… to reach out and touch and mend the things that we can, but underneath it has to come from love and from a deep kind of trust. — Jack kornfield
We do all these romantic and idealistic stories, even naturalistic ones of how life is supposed to be and it isn’t always as we’ve imagined and so be it.
Tara talks about weaving themes of spiritual maturity throughout the whole course of these stories and teaching we remember and forget again until we start just trusting in our readiness to let go of all our stories and just go with the flow.
‘[W]hen we're not living inside the story, then that heart that's ready for everything is available. And then it's possible to then describe it a child of wonder. We get to take in the wonder and the beauty that's there. ‘ — Tara Brach
An extract from a poem about letting go of our stories and our beliefs that speaks to this from Rumi is:
There’s nothing to believe.
Only when I quit believing in myself
did I come into this beauty…
Day and night I guarded the pearl of my soul.
Now in this ocean of pearling currents,
I’ve lost track of which was mine.
- Rumi
I thought about this in relation to my own stories around the theme of the breakdown of communication because I was afraid of losing the ones I loved by sharing my true feelings. It’s only now that I’m beginning to feel ready to let go of my past and trust in my ability to love and be loved again, that I can with mouth and eyes wide open speak from the heart . They say home is where the heart is but to remove the blinds to see through windows, even through doors I’d removed or left closed because I was afraid for a time of what find within. Reminded of the time I didn’t knock in case I would be disturbing the fatal lover within who was not making love but dying. He was in love but there was no one at home, for home is wherever the heart is and both of them were desperately searching for love only in the all the wrong faces and places.
I know that I’ve been holding on to my stories and perhaps over-identifying with the characteristics of someone with PTSD as a way of coping and also avoiding facing what comes after.
For your final Mentor Group in January, please take some time to reflect on your vision and aspiration for bringing teachings into the world. What do you sense is possible for you? What do you feel would most support you (for instance further practice, training, community, lifestyle changes, etc.)
The group will conclude with intention-setting and ritual.
Today is Martin Luther King Day
After checking in and meditating we talked about what are our needs are in this period of transition from being a teacher in training to sharing our knowledge and experience?
This may not be something we’ve thought about or find easy to express in community but one only has to share what one wants to share. I felt:
a need to risk opening my heart even more
a need to dig in the dirt
a need to reach out to more friends
a need to let go of my stories
a need to trust in myself and relationships
Rae’s instructions steered us away from justifying our needs, storytelling or wishing but to look within ourselves and ask that simple question: what do I need now?
We had about two minutes each to answer that question and 30 seconds in between to reflect before asking the next person to answer that question with the group listening.
I found the two minutes flew and I could have gone on longer, although it was probably enough. I found what Laura and Melainya said about taking more time for themselves to just be and to not feel, as therapists, they have to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders important.
While I am not a therapist I’ve often felt that I have to resolve other people’s problems and in particular those close to me. Were I a therapist I have no idea how I’d feel with people sharing and I imagine offloading their problems or looking to me to resolve or even absolve them.
When we reflected on our aspirations for bringing the teachings into the world and how would we continue on the dharma path I mentioned the trauma and social change conference I had attended and the serendipitous connection I had made with Stephan Wolfert from DECRUIT.
I also mentioned AREA, and my writing, so I’m hoping to combine my interests in Arts practices as a way of mindful healing through storytelling on the radio, a virtual stage in the times.
There’s lots I could do alone, without ever moving outside my comfort zone or virtual bubble but what I really want to be able to do is to create and collaborate with others. This very much ties in with a book I started reading last night: The Fourfold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior, Teacher, Healer and Visionary:
When we are not present and empowered we are often caught in the shadow side of the Warrior archetype. We are not a leader but in rebellion against the system.
However, rebels need to respect the limits of others and take responsibilities only for their own actions or inaction, rather than criticise others.
‘The rebel is over-identified with being independent and self-sufficient. Behind every rebel is a need for space. The underlying fear for the rebel is the fear of being limited, restricted, or restrained. The rebel who used leadership skills for personal gains faces diminished skill in being a team player, and eventually loses the respect of others. Taken to the extreme, the rebel becomes the narcissist and abandons effective leadership.’
The rebel has authority issues and yet is often unwilling to claim personal responsibility, but prefers instead to be the victim and blame or judge others with resentment.
However, we cease to be a rebel victim when we claim our own authority and begin to value collaboration with other effective leaders.
Patterns of Invisibility: Low self-esteem and the inability to see oneself as talented and worthy means we often hide or try to lead from behind, which often leads to feeling a lack of recognition and fear to fulfil our own creative expression.
What really struck a chord with me is that: ‘Underneath all patterns of invisibility is the fear of exposure and accountability.’
To come out of the shadow we need courage:
‘It is the Warrior’s way to embrace strengths and weaknesses. With all parts of ourselves embraced, illusions are more easily collapsed. This enables us to participate in life more fully.’
This is why I need to let go of my traumatic past and embrace my present happiness and future.
Angeles Arrien the author of The Fourfold Way, whose words I am quoting and abbreviating. The italics are mine, stressing what is important to me on my journey.
The author desires to show the bridge between cultural anthropology, psychology, and comparative religions and reveal how indigenous wisdoms are relevant to our relationship with ourselves, one another and the Earth.
While reading and writing I recalled a recent talk I listened to as part of the embodiment conference between two native american indians, on Indigenous Elder Knowledge and Wisdom for Modern Times, whose advice is summed up with these few words to introduce them:
As the whirlwind intensifies - stay in your heart center. We have reversed the laws for living. Mother Earth is here to stay. She doesn't need us to save her. She has lived for billions of years and she'll live for billions more. The question is whether or not we humans will too. We have forgotten our niche in nature. We need to recall. We have been in our minds too long. We need to get back home, to our hearts.
(https://portal.theembodimentconference.org/sessions/wisdom-weavers-of-the-world-indigenous-wisdom-to-save-the-mother-earth-6a0ebf)
It was one of the talks that moved me, alongside Alister McIntosh, (http://www.alastairmcintosh.com/)one of the world’s leading environmental campaigners, best known for his work on land reform, climate change and spirituality.
His talk was on Embodying Community: Climate change, consciousness and cultural trauma and is worth watching if you want an insight into what’s currently happening in the United States, and their former president, who hasn’t given up the ghost of his past.
(https://portal.theembodimentconference.org/sessions/embodying-community-climate-change,-consciousness-and-cultural-trauma-j0b4c4)
I chose this book on the recommendation of Linn, my beloved heart’s partner, whose interests in self-development and living in harmony with nature are similar to my own, which is why we were drawn to each other “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. ”— Paulo Coelho.
I’ve spent a great deal of time in my mind, thinking and not as much in my body living and loving and doing more of the things I enjoy doing, like dancing and singing and walking and digging in the dirt. These are some of my intentions for the new year that’s in it and only yesterday we were gifted the use of some land to get our hands in the earth and plant some seeds in the spring. It’s not all about the planting or the harvesting for that matter. It’s also about looking after the land and not letting it go to waste. There’s not much point in preparing to plant either, if we don’t plant the seeds try to nurture them or else all the effort of learning to live in harmony with nature will come to nothing and when harvest times instead of gathering the fruits of our labour we discover a wasteland.
I can write and imagine, dream and envision but if I don’t fulfil my own needs and honour my good intentions who else will?
Of course I can’t be certain of what will be the impact of my actions but I can assume responsibility for my strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures and that is what I’m now doing by exposing my thoughts and plan of action.
I’m not hiding away or secretly competing. I’m sharing my own and the wisdom of others and willing to collaborate and learn from anyone who is willing to share their own heart’s wisdom. I may be sensitive and at the same time insensitive to the needs of others but I’m willing to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, take criticism but I won’t take it lying down and I won’t stop being true to myself because it doesn’t suit everyone. Life, my life is for living and for giving.
Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door?
Forgive yourself.
Now is the only time you have to be whole.
Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true Self.
—Danna Faulds
Mindfulness
It all begins with an idea.
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Wednesday 13 January 2021
Adapted from True Refuge (2013) by Tara Brach.
The RAIN of Self-Forgiveness
The acronym RAIN, which considering we have plenty of in Ireland, should be easy to way for us remember the practice of mindfulness and self-compassion:
Recognize what is going on;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion.
Recognizing means simply acknowledging our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, especially when we are suffering for a limited sense of self-belief about our own good nature. When we are criticising or blaming ourselves for how we’ve behaved, or feeling ashamed and afraid or anxious about the consequences.
Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations we have recognized simply be there, without trying to fix or avoid anything. When we’re caught in self-judgment, letting it be there doesn’t mean we agree the belief that we’re to blame or unworthy. Rather, we honestly acknowledge the arising of judgment, as well as the painful reality of our feelings.
Once we have recognised and allowed what is, we can investigate, or call on our natural curiosity to know ourselves in the present: How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing about myself? Do I or can I feel a felt sense of what I truly need right now?
Whatever the inquiry, your investigation will be most transformational if you step away from conceptualising and bring your primary attention to the felt-sense in the body.
When investigating, it is essential to approach your experience in a non-judgmental and kind way. This attitude of care helps create a sufficient sense of safety, making it possible to honestly connect with our hurts, fears and shame.
Self-compassion begins to naturally arise in the moments that we recognize we are suffering. It comes into fullness as we intentionally nurture our inner life with self-care. To do this, try to sense what the wounded, frightened or hurting place inside you most needs, and then offer some gesture of active care that might address this need. Does it need a message of reassurance? Of forgiveness? Of companionship? Of love? Experiment and see which intentional gesture of kindness most helps to comfort, soften or open your heart. It might be the mental whisper, I’m here with you. I’m sorry, and I love you. I love you, and I’m listening. It’s not your fault. Trust in your goodness.
In addition to a whispered message of care, many people find healing by gently placing a hand on the heart or cheek; or by envisioning being bathed in or embraced by warm, radiant light. If it feels difficult to offer yourself love, bring to mind a loving being - spiritual figure, family member, friend or pet - and imagine that being’s love and wisdom flowing into you.
When the intention to awaken self-compassion is sincere, the smallest gesture of turning towards love, of offering love - even if initially it feels awkward - will nourish your heart.
When you’ve completed the active steps of RAIN, it’s important to just notice your own presence and rest in that wakeful, tender space of awareness. The fruit of RAIN is realizing that you are no longer imprisoned in the trance of unworthiness, or in any limiting sense of self. In other versions of RAIN, this is the N - not-identified. Give yourself the gift of becoming familiar with the truth and natural freedom of your being; it is mysterious and precious!
RAIN is an ongoing practice for life—a way of transforming doubts and fears with a healing presence. Each time we are willing to slow down and recognize, our thoughts and feelings whatever they may be we are de-conditioning our old habits and limiting self-beliefs. Gradually, whatever story we’ve been telling ourselves about not being good enough or happy enough as we are fades away, and we recognise and accept our experiential selves as we are.
You can take your time and explore RAIN one step at a time or move through the steps whenever challenging feelings arise. It’s a practice that awakens self-compassion, opens our hearts to allow everything in without exception.
A Meditation—The RAIN of Self-Compassion:
Sitting in a comfortable way, so you're alert and upright and also at ease. Begin by bringing to mind a difficulty that we've encountered— some situation or some circumstance that brings up emotional reactivity, whether it be fear or anger or hurt; some experience you'd like to bring this practice of mindfulness and compassion — the RAIN practice— to. It could be a situation in a relationship, some conflict, place of misunderstanding and reactivity. It could be something that goes on in your own behavior, some addictive kind of tendency. It could be something that comes up around work that brings up a feeling of failure or jealousy—anxiety.
You might sense the common denominator being that a difficulty that brings up in some way some self-aversion where you're down on yourself. Take some moments to sense that difficulty in a recent situation that it might have been where you might have been triggered.
Let yourself enter enough into that situation so you can sense what's going on and what's really activating you, what's bothering you. The beginning of RAIN is to recognize what's happening.
Some way to recognize, "OK, I'm stuck," to recognize whatever is predominant in your experience, whatever emotions or feelings you're most aware of. And hand in hand with that recognition is the "A" of rain, or the allowing-- to just let the experience be as it is. So the allowing is a quality of pausing and just making space for things instead of trying to fix it or get away from it. Simply acknowledging and giving some space for what's here. Notice what that's like—just agreeing to experience something for these moments.
You might sense in your own experience now as you have reentered a experience that had been triggering you if there's any difference in how you're in relationship with it. You explored it yesterday with the full practice of RAIN—investigating, bringing some nurturing, some compassion. Sense where you are right now.
And if there's anything that feels like it's calling you about the experience inside you, if you feel any call to deepen your attention or to offer some kindness right in this moment, you might sense what that's like. What happens if you just make some gesture of kindness, of understanding, of compassion inwardly?
Just to notice the presence that's here—the difference between being totally stuck inside an experience and that openness and presence and care that really expresses the truth of who you are. From the poet Wu Men: "Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter. If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life."
Which of the following resonates most of as a gift of self-forgiveness?
Feeling more loving towards others
Feeling connected to my true self
Escaping notions of a good/bad self
Freedom to be more spontaneous
My Stories
It all begins with an idea.
The unexamined life may not be worth living. However, I imagine even a so-called unlived life may be a story worth sharing, as we’ve all had experiences, some more memorable than others. It’s how we imagine, remember and relate our experiences that is the essence of Story. We all have our unique perspectives and who knows how to share our story or point of view better than ourselves.
The only story you should ever seek to tell or control is your own. Whether or not our stories are Divine Comedies, Shakespearean tragedies, dramatic or even post-traumatic tales of woo, the journey’s tale is ours to share or not to share. It is not our task as storytellers to seek revenge but to reconcile ourselves with the truth of who we are. It’s our response-ability to witness our experiences as part of the human experience and in the sharing discover truths about the human condition.
Some stories just need to be told to share our voice and vision and make space for ourselves to grow with time in strength of character. Characterise yourself, get to know who you are, rather than be characterised by others.
Maybe you want to turn a hobby or personal practice into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project you feel you would like to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way we tell our stories can make a difference to the story of humanity.
Don’t worry about sounding professional or like others. Sound like you. There are billions of people and personal websites and blogs out there, but your story is what’s unique from the rest. If you read your words and don’t hear your own voice, that’s a sure sign you still have more listening and writing to do to discover your authentic voice that expresses your authentic self and no one else. You can change your story as often as you need to. I do as often as you discover deeper truths about myself and the life I’m living. After all, life is a work in progress.
In time what is truer than our truth will reveal itself through the story. It always does.