Sunday 17 January 2021: Making Amends

“The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, “Go ahead and do whatever you want, it’s okay by me.”— Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey”

This quote that Tara Brach uses in session in some ways encapsulates our fears about self-forgiveness and making amends.

The truth is the suffering we’ve caused others or that others have caused us to suffer leaves, as I said in the poem; my parents, a deep and lasting sad impression. We may be able to ignore the heartbreak and seemingly recover but it’s like a fissure or fault beneath the surface that affects us in profound ways. There is often an unconscious longing or desire to unearth and repair the damage, to forgive and be forgiven when we’ve caused harm.

The impression of harm is felt and expressed in many ways: deep-seated shame, or guilt or remorse. We may fight or take flight or numb ourselves rather than face the sorrow for not having been the loving parent or child we wished we could have been in another’s eyes.

I remember my mother blaming herself as much as telling us about my oldest sister saying to her; I never remember you looking at me with love the way you did at Helen, her youngest daughter. We are how we love, not who loves us.

How we express our heart’s sensitivity requires great courage and vulnerability. It leads to self-empowerment and self-responsibility on the path towards self-realisation and that freedom to be able to do what we want without fear of hurting ourselves or others because we are being true to ourselves.

At the end of session seven, Tara asks the question:

How do you relate to the principle of 100% responsible for your own experience?

A pathway toward empowerment

It overlooks the influence of others

I can’t contact the reactivity inside

Reminder to be gentle with hurt

In contrast to the habit of blaming ourselves and others for our behaviour, feeling a healthy sense of shame for our actions, (maybe even the actions of others) is not a bad but a good thing to feel, because it lets us know we’ve strayed from our own path.

Similarly guilt lets us know when our actions are not aligned with our values and we can try to make amends if possible.

However, true self-forgiveness cannot be complete unless we’ve included in our practices asking forgiveness from those we’ve hurt. This is something we need to feel for ourselves as a natural act of compassion for others as a result of our self-compassion. Empathy arises for the harm that’s been done by us to us, as our consciousness expands.

The urge or impulse to reconcile comes when we’ve recognised the reality of our impact on the lives of others; whether or not our intention was to harm or perhaps being cruel to be kind. It’s when we’ve learned to face ourselves and our hearts burst open like a dam that we yearn to relieve the suffering of not just ourselves but others. Then we are able to respond with courage and wisdom, with a wise heart, a brave heart, to the pain and suffering we’ve come to witness in the world.

So how do we make amends?

We recognise and acknowledge the hurt we’ve caused to others. And if we are no longer able to speak to them we can still offer our prayers, our remorse, and our wishes for forgiveness for the impact we’ve had on their lives.

As we intentionally practice this, we learn to face ourselves and the grip of self-aversion begins to loosen and we feel more wholesome and at peace with everyone.

The inner-reconciliation and outer reconciliation with others for what we have done and failed to do.

Some offering or small gesture can make all the difference and act as a catalyst within ourselves for giving to others.

Our gesture of forgiveness can be rejected by others but it is their hearts not ours that has still not melted. We have been courageous enough to face the fear of rejection of our act of forgiveness and desire for reconciliation.

It takes courage and wisdom to know whether such a gesture will serve to break the resistance and release the tension within ourselves and someone else.

We need to know whether our sincere intention for self-forgiveness can let go of all expectations of the forgiveness of another. Our apology for the harm we’ve caused may be met with anger and scorn but we can trust in the felt sense and knowledge that we’re bringing more healing energy into the world and that it’s bound to ripple out.

Another dilemma for ourselves may be whether we feel we need to feel that self-forgiveness before we practice forgiving others.

I find forgiving others is an ongoing process that comes with releasing any blame, resentment or judgment with self-forgiveness and self-compassion and awareness that it usually takes two to tango: for every action their is a reaction and while I may not feel responsible for another’s actions towards me I am responsible as to how I choose to respond in kind. I can continue or perpetuate their, as well as my own, suffering by holding on to grudges or I can forgive and forget in time. What continues to be of significant consequence in the present is only because I’m recalling it every time I see them or reminding myself to remember it in the present, because a part of me continues to see them as a threat to my sense of self. Even though I know our history is past and gone and it’s my foolish story of self that carries it on.

Is there way to end our story of uncertain consequence?

Asking for forgiveness comes first but go with your gut and what works for you. Whatever way you can in the present let go of hurt and heal yourselves and others works.

We’re learning to accept and trust ourselves and others to be as we are without judgement.

Sense your intention to free your heart and to free others through the practice of asking for forgiveness.

Take some time to breath and feel your heart before bringing to mind a situation where you may have caused some harm to another and would like to privately or publicly reconcile with them.

Let yourself become aware of how you’ve caused harm and sense the reality of that.

As you have a felt sense of this in your body whisper the person’s name and say:

I see and feel the hurt I’ve caused you and I ask your forgiveness. Please forgive me.

Feeling your own sincerity, ask for forgiveness as often as necessary until you have a felt sense of their own well-being in your well-being, remembering that we are all somehow connected with the same vitality coming from the same source of life.

Ask yourself is there a way you could contribute to this healing meditation with some gesture or action? Imagine if you can some way to make amends, aligned with this courageous heart, with no expectation of reciprocation, just knowing that your heartbeat is pulsating out into the universe bring healing.

We end this meditative reflective by noticing now is there any self-judgment and forgiving ourselves with self-compassion knowing our sincere intention is to grow in loving kindness and courage to mercifully forgive all unhappy beings whose hearts have been broken, including our own. For who wants to feel:

Cut now in two

Like the worm beneath the blade of the spade

I wreath and wriggle away from you

For I cannot say what I’d like to

Part of me died that day Dad

And I’m sorry son was all you’d have to say

For all this sadness to fade away.