Session 6 Self-Compassion

Feb 23

We begin with a Smile Down: Relaxation Scan

The Buddha’s Smile:

In many statues and pictures, the Buddha is depicted with a slight smile. Research now shows that even a small smile relaxes the reactivity of “fight-flight,” and inclines us toward feelings of ease and well-being. Find a comfortable way to sit, stand, or lie down that allows you to be both alert and at ease. Take a few full breaths, and with each exhale, sense a letting go of tension, a softening and relaxing of the body.

Now imagine endless sky above and around you and visualize a smile spreading through that open space. Bring that openness and the curve of a smile into your mind, sensing your brain and all your thoughts floating in a relaxed space of awareness.

Now, as if you were smiling into your eyes, let the sense of a smile spread through your eyes, feeling the corners of the eyes slightly uplifted, and the flesh around the eyes softening. Sense the sensations and play of light received in the space of awareness around the eyes. Feel a real yet slight smile at the mouth and also sense the inside of the mouth smiling. Relaxing the jaw, notice the sensations that arise through the mouth and cheek area. Sense the curve of a smile at the throat, and as you sense the space of awareness there, notice the sensations that arise.

Now feel a smile spreading through the heart and chest and creating space for whatever you might be feeling. Allow the sensations and feelings in the heart area to float in this tender space.

Take a moment to again, return to the eyes, softening and relaxing them; feel a slight smile at the mouth, and the openness of a smile at the heart and chest. Allow the space of awareness at the chest to enlarge, and feeling your shoulders, let them relax back and down. Feel them from the inside: Can you sense a melting sensation; a dissolving of ice into water, and then water to vapor?

Guide your attention down the arms, sensing the movement of energy and aliveness. Make sure the hands are resting in an easy and effortless way, and take some moments to feel the hands from the inside. Softening the hands a bit more, what do you notice? Is there vibrating and tingling? Pulsing and warmth? Feeling the openness of the chest area, move the attention down the torso, and relax the abdominal area. Let your next breath be received in a softening belly—and then another breath, and then another. Sense the curve of a smile spreading through the belly, right below the level of the navel, and allow the sensations that arise in your belly to be received by an open space of awareness.

Now let the image and sense of a smile spread through the pelvic area—the hips, buttocks, and genitals. Sense the sensations that arise being received in an open awareness. Bring your attention to the base of the spine, and as you imagine and feel the curve and receptivity of a smile there, let yourself open to whatever flow or movement of sensations naturally arise.

Then take a few moments to guide the attention down the legs, softening any holding or tension. Let your awareness inhabit the feet, feeling them from the inside, noticing tingling, vibrating, aliveness. Now again feel the smile, openness and aliveness at the base of the spine. . . the pelvic area... navel. . . heart. . . throat. . . brow. . . and then the very top of your head.

Then widen the lens of your attention in a comprehensive way, sensing your whole body all at once as a field of changing sensations. Notice what happens if you don’t stop anything or control anything. Can you sense the subtle energy field that vitalizes every cell, every organ of your body? Is there anything in your experience that is solid, unmoving? Is there any centre or boundary to the field of sensation? Include sounds in this openness, as if you could both listen to and feel the sounds washing through you.

Can you sense the open space of awareness that everything—sounds, sensations, life—is happening in? The more fully you open to the aliveness flowing through you, the more fully you will sense the openness of awareness itself. Continue for as long as you’d like resting in the inseparable experiences of aliveness and awareness. If particular sensations call your attention, bring a soft and allowing attention to them. Don’t manage or manipulate your experience; don’t grasp or push anything away. Simply open to the changing dance of sensations, receiving this life in awareness.

If no particular sensations call your attention, remain open to feeling energy simultaneously in all parts of your body, and sensing your own vibrant presence. If thoughts carry your attention away, when you notice, simply pause and gently come back. Reconnect with the energetic field of aliveness, resting in the awareness of your living being. In daily life, return to the experience of your body’s aliveness as often as possible. You will begin to “come back” in any moment that you intentionally relax your face (bringing a slight smile to the mouth), and soften your shoulders, hands, and belly.

Then widen the attention, feeling the life that fills the whole body. Discover what it is like to stay connected to this global sense of aliveness and presence as you continue to work at your computer, walk around your house, talk with another person, and live your life

The following is a synopsis of Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion:

· Self-compassion is simply compassion turned inward. It can be applied to any moment of suffering, large or small.

· Self-compassion has three main components:

(1) self-kindness versus self-judgment

Self-kindness is a gentle understanding rather than harsh critical judgment.

Choosing to relate to ourselves with kindness rather than contempt is highly pragmatic. We don’t have a lot of control over our personal characteristics - our inborn personality, our body type, our health, the good or bad fortune of our circumstances. But what we can do is start being kind to ourselves when confronting our limitations, and we can suffer less because of them. (Neff, Self-Compassion)

(2) common humanity versus isolation,

a. Common humanity: empathy with the lives of others

(3) mindfulness versus over-identification: realistic awareness of what’s happening

· Mindfulness is typically associated with loving awareness of experience. Self-compassion is loving awareness of the experiencer.

· The yin of self-compassion involves being with ourselves in an accepting way—comforting, soothing, and validating our pain. The yang of self-compassion involves action to alleviate our suffering—protecting, providing, and motivating ourselves, when needed.

· Self-compassion and self-esteem are both positive ways of relating to oneself, but self-esteem is an evaluation of self-worth that is conditional and based on success, whereas self-compassion involves unconditional self-acceptance even in moments of failure.

Common myths about self-compassion can be dispelled:

· Self-compassion is not selfish or self-centred. It gives us the emotional resources needed to care for others.

· Self-compassion is not a form of self-pity. It allows us to see the interconnected experiences of self and others without exaggeration.

· Self-compassion is not weak, but can be fiercely self-protective and self-supporting. It is a source of strength and resilience in challenging situations.

· Self-compassion is not self-indulgent. Because it is ultimately aimed at the alleviation of suffering, self-compassion chooses long-term well-being over short-term pleasure.

· Self-compassion involves constructive criticism and discernment, not harsh, belittling self-judgment.

· Self-compassion enhances rather than undermines motivation. Unlike self-criticism, self-compassion motivates with care, support, and encouragement, rather than fear and shame.

(Germer, Christopher; Neff, Kristin. Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program (p. 30). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition.)

One of the downsides of living in a culture that stresses the ethic of independence and individual achievement is that if we don’t reach out ideal goals, we feel that we only have ourselves to blame. (Neff)

Self-criticism - judging ourselves is universal. However, It doesn’t have to be self-disparaging nor inflating, but rather a balance between self-compassion and self-deprecation: We need to be able to accept ourselves as we are rather than adhere to the culture or silent tyranny of the majority of society who may also believe there is a way to be. And yet, Perhaps there is, which is to be true to ourselves and no one else:

‘To thine own self be true’ (Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78–82)

"To thine own self be true" is Polonius's last piece of advice to his son Laertes, who is in a hurry to get on the next boat to Paris, where he'll be free to live life as he sees fit.

But what does Polonius mean by being true to ourselves.

For some, by "true" Polonius means "loyal to your own best interests." Take care of yourself first, he counsels, and that way you'll be in a position to take care of others. There is wisdom in the old man's words, but actions speak louder than words. Polonius, loves the sound of his own voice and one could be deeply impressed with his wordiness if not his worldliness. He has perfected the art of rhetoric and protecting his interests and of projecting seeming virtues, which is his method of being "true" to others.

Never mind that this includes spying on Hamlet for King Claudius or that these words of wisdom are now taken as Shakespeare's own wise pronouncements on living a proper life that I now pass on to you in the role of a mindfulness teacher.

As Hamlet says, words, words, words,

Words don’t mean anything unless we believe in them and are moved or emotionally motivated to act on them.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
― Gandhi

Your destiny becomes A self-fulfilling prophecy:

If we grow up in an socio-economic cultural environment that doesn’t accept and nurture our changing nature and a healthy sense of self but only seems to care for us when we comply with the cultural hegemony we are more likely to adopt another’s values and opinions.

The values that become the dominant voice within, are often our culture’s values, which we also impose on other cultures and our shared environment. In doing so we can lose our sense of connection and relationship to our innate experience of life. How we feel or our felt sense of being human.

In time our inner-voice, our thoughts, actions and habits become the embodiment of our cultural experience of life outside ourselves. We begin to compare and contrast and often criticise ourselves for not being what we have come to believe the creators, and authors of our lives desire us to be: in other words what our controlling caregivers want or need us to be. So in order to please them we can become people pleasers.

We see ourselves not in a mirror but in the reflection of how we imagine others look upon us with approval and appreciation. (Reward - positive reinforcement) We adapt our behaviour until we become habituated into performing in ways that we tell ourselves will please the judgmental self-critic we have internalised within:

It’s our internal family system, commenting on our performance, while ignoring our authentic needs and the needs of others outside our familiar circle, by different parts and other voices within ourselves drowning out the empathetic self-compassionate authentic voice within.

When we have begun to emulate our culture’s values and belief systems, believing this is the way the world is, Life gradually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, seen through the filters of cultural conditioning and the long lens of our civilisation.

We may or may not get what we want or need from others by nurturing and cultivating this system or pattern of disassociation from our authentic or innate selves.

We follow in the familiar footsteps of our care-givers, leaders and governing authorities when we are young in the belief that they no better than us. But as we grow older we naturally begin to question whose socio-economic system is best for us.

Often we give up going our own when no one follows or is there to take care of our need and we gradually compromise or resign part of ourselves to accept and adapt to society. However:

The real author of our story is not just the storytellers within our imagination — the multiple characters or parts of ourselves whom we relate or privately talk to and that shape our private persona and public performance. We also continue to develop throughout our lives, our own unique version of an integrated human being, a so-called self, who knows how to get what it wants or needs from or for ourselves, as well as others, through experiential self-knowledge and self-compassion, not on our own but in relation to others.

So when we talk about self-compassion it is not self-centred or selfish it is recognising and reintegrating the parts of ourselves we have been ignoring

The question we need to ask ourselves is

What we think we want or need what we truly need in the present or is it the unheard craving of parts of ourselves, that were ignored maybe when we were quite young or at other times when we had placed our trust in others to look after our bodies needs and they didn’t. Through no fault of their own but because they too were not given the self-compassionate tools many of us are unaware that we’re missing due to our flawed system.

This is the story of the relationship between essence and experience, felt within ourselves, which we can know when we get to truly know ourselves in all beings and all beings in ourselves. When we learn, like a musician to fine tune our senses and harmonise within.

This story, like our lives is a work in progress. A story which will only end when our heart stops beating. Until that happens, I’m happy to say, we can always turn over new leaf and start a new chapter right where we are. Life begins and ends within a pulsating heart that is forever expanding and contracting as we breath in and out the joys and sorrows of life experience. And if you think about that every time you breath in and out you’re more likely to live in the present and not get too caught up, even in your own stories.

The hardest part for us is to really get to know ourselves in relation to our socio-economic and socio-ecological environment so that what is good for ourselves also takes into consideration or shows compassion for others. To do so without feeling emotionally overwhelmed leading to empathy fatigue or compassion burnout requires self-compassion.

In its essence self-compassion is being able to be with one’s own suffering, as well as the suffering of others without our ego-centric self shutting down or avoiding what our senses, often just our eyes find painful to witness while at the same time also knowing how to behave or act in order to alleviate the suffering of ourselves and others in a mindful and kind way.

And the irony is to relieve our own suffering and the suffering of others comes when we learn to show ourselves self-compassion and love ourselves wisely when we’re suffering:

Because self-compassionate love and loving kindness in essence meaning being able to see we’re not alone in our suffering or the ten thousand sorrows and joys of life for that matter. This is our common humanity.

Being able to see ourselves in all beings and all being in ourselves is an ancient moral precept that encapsulates a universal value and aspiration we can desire for ourselves and everyone else without fail and with self-compassion can attain to some degree in our lives.

Training in Mindfulness and Compassion is a training to rebuild or redevelop our innate connection and harmony with all life that has been conditioned out of so many of us because of the false belief that we are powerless against these systems or that we need to be cruel to be kind, and ignore the pain and suffering of ourselves and others in order to survive but what we’re really doing is resisting the flow of natural compassion and consciousness within and through us.

We’ve been adapting to our culture and not our nature, which knows instinctually what it needs not only to survive but to thrive. However, when there are enough people around you trying to convince you that they know what’s best for you it’s hard to listen to your own heart. Look at the young: They see very little difference between themselves and everyone else, until they are culturally conditioned to do so.

So self-compassion could also be described as Resilience Training in reconnecting with yourself and all beings, in awakening to a source of energy that flows throughout the universe, which exists in our being.

“When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”

— Andrew Boyd

Meditation on Compassion

MAY YOU BE HELD IN COMPASSION

To cultivate compassion, let yourself sit in a centred and quiet way. In this traditional form of practice, you will combine a repeated inner intention with visualization and the evocation of the feeling of compassion. As you first sit, breathe softly and feel your body, your heartbeat, the life within you. Feel how you treasure your own life, how you guard yourself in the face of your sorrows.

After some time, bring to mind someone close to you whom you dearly love. Picture them and feel your natural caring for them. Notice how you hold them in your heart. Then let yourself be aware of their measure of sorrows, their suffering in life. Feel how your heart opens to wish them well, to extend comfort, to share in their pain and meet it with compassion. This is the natural response of the heart. Inwardly recite the phrases:

May you be held in compassion. May your pain and sorrow be eased. May your heart be at peace.

Continue reciting all the while you are holding them in your heart. You can modify these phrases any way that makes them true to your heart’s intention.

After a few minutes, imagine that they turn their compassionate gaze back to you and acknowledge the measure of sorrows you carry. They say to you with tenderness the same phrases:

May you be held in compassion. May your pain and sorrow be eased. May you be at peace.

Take in these compassionate wishes and let them touch your heart. After a time receiving their care, direct the same compassion to yourself.

May I be held in compassion.
May my pain and sorrow be eased. May I be at peace

Following this, begin to extend compassion to others you know. Picture loved ones one after another. Hold the image of each in your heart, be aware of their difficulties, and wish them well with the same phrases.

May you be held in compassion. May your pain and sorrow be eased. May you be at peace.

Then you can open your compassion further, a step at a time, to the suffering of your friends,
to your neighbours, to your community, to all who suffer, to difficult people, to your enemies, and finally to the brotherhood and sisterhood of all beings.

Sense your tender-hearted connection with all life and its creatures.

Work with compassion practice intuitively. At times it may feel difficult, as though we might be overwhelmed by the pain. Remember, we are not trying to “fix” the pain of the world, only to meet it with a compassionate heart. Relax and be gentle. Breathe. Let your breath and heart rest naturally as a center of compassion in the midst of the world.

—From jackkornfield.com/meditation-on-compassion